Downtown
by sainthood
Summary: Still, she'd always tell me "Tell the East Coast not to bother." // Tegan and Sara- Quincest, Like it, or don't.
1. Arrow

I watched her pack her bags. My head rests on my hand in a bored tone, but I'm anything but that. In the fashion she did this, it seemed as if she was leaving on vacation and be returning. She took time, and examined everything, If only that was the case.

She was leaving for good. My own fears and paranoia's driving her away. Maybe if I had been better, she'd be staying. Maybe if I over looked everything, I wouldn't be losing the biggest part of me. She's taking everything of hers, clothes, CD's, even pictures of us. She expected to be forgotten, but that was something she would never get from me. She reaches for a picture by the night stand. Two smiling girls in matching dresses stare at me with cold eyes. I jump off my perch and take the picture from her, caressing it close against my chest. She looks at me with a long smirk, and continues to pack up more of her things.

Her suitcase was well past full when she left. Her eyes stare me over, a small smile resting on her lips, I knew in the back of mind she was happy to be going.

"You know I love you," She lies to me, "but I, I just can't stay. Goodbye my city girl." I let my emotions grasp my fragile state now. She gives me one last hug, and when she pulls away, the oddest feeling comes over me. My chest seized and felt like it collapsed, an utter terror makes my stomach turn. I want to scream, I need to tell her every reason she should stay. But all I managed to come up with my own selfish needs, so instead I choke out a soft 'goodbye'.

I spend the rest of the day wallowing around in my own self pity. I didn't cry, because lord knows these tears are a lie created by the sickness manifesting inside me, still, I did miss her in the few moments she's been gone. I sit on the little red faux-leather couch, the only thing she had left behind. The living room was now vacant, of coarse, my belongings were scattered about here, but without hers, it just felt like an empty hole to me. I stare out the windows for hours, a small sense of false hope praying the glare would bring you around.

I haven't moved for almost an hour, there seemed no need to. I wasn't thirsty, my stomach rumbled with the sound of my nerves, rather that then sound of hunger. I quickly realize the incredible doziness was the result of my bodies un-willingness to carry on. This strange insanity fell upon my mind, it moved me in ways I've never known. I couldn't stop the feeling that my life should end on this day, because I would inever/i find someone, such as herself, again.

I close my eyes and let out a stressed sigh, my eyes dance around the ruins of my home. It now felt like nothing more than a box containing my items and needs to live. My heart no longer feels attached to this place, I long desperately to get out, and that's what I as I walk to the door and pick the keys from the hook. When the house was locked I began my decent down to a small walking bridge a block over.

It was sunny today, and incredibly hot, an odd relief from the normal rainy weather of July. I liked the way the pavement felt against my bare feet, the soft breeze coming off the rivers surface cools my face. I drag my slender hand across the bars on the railings, smiling as a 3 year old might had they been doing the same thing. I choose a nice spot, not to far from the center of the bridge. To left of me a boy sits with his guitar, I see him here almost every day.

"Hear my words, sing my song. Take it home and take it on. Take my heart, like you do. Now there's nothing more to prove. I'd grow tired with somebody new." I don't know if I was imagining this, or if he really just sang what I thought he did. Either way, the irony causes a slight grin. He looks up at me briefly before hiding his blushing cheeks. I sigh and look at the few people passing by, somewhat wishing one would be a fucking hero and stop me from this stupidity.

I stare out into the murky water, closing my eyes and painting images of happier times in my mind. "I am plain, plain to see. But what you see inside of me? Take me down, to the bone. You'll never fear to be alone."

I hoist myself up on to the steel side-guards, throwing my legs on the side so I'm sitting on the hand rail. I look back at the boy, his chocolate eyes question me. I shrug and look back over the water, reaching my legs down onto the small ledge below my perch. The boy drops his guitar on the ground as he stands.

"Hey there, lady. Are you okay?"" His voice was edgy, yet filled with the most sincerity I'd heard in years. I scoff and shoot the boy a glance he didn't really deserve.

"Do I look okay?" I scream, wrapping my arms tight against the railing. I was trying my best to look brave with my cowardly actions.

"That's not really the most effective way to kill yourself. You may as well overdose on childrens Tylenol." I mock his smirk childishly. Who did he think he was?

"You don't fucking know me, or what I've been through." I mumble, returning my glance down to the water. My heart beat one hundred miles an hour in my chest.

"What if you were dragged to shore? You'd be thrown in a psych-ward and placed on suicide watch for the next year of your life. Perhaps the insanity of losing someone out weighs the insanity you'll gain from four white walls. Yeah?" He looks at me with a troubled glance, I can't quite figure out what he's looking for in me.

"How-how did you know she left me?" He shrugs and picks up his guitar laying face down on the ground. I pull myself back over the rail. Falling to the cement, a place I'd like to stay for a while. I look at the faces of people passing by, no one paid any attention. Had I been invisible, or had I never noticed the declination of human kindness before?

"It was just a guess," He sits beside me and smiles, "what's her name?" I begin to feel uneasy at even the thought of her name. My eyes struggle to dull the stinging sensation in them.

"Christina.."

I'm confused by the grin he wears. A moment ago he seemed as at the end of his ropes as I am, and now he wears a foolish grin. He looks at a tall girl walking by, a baby girl hanging off her arm.

"Ah. And yourself?" I raise my eyebrows, slightly bemused by his antics.

"What's your name?" He shrugs, still looking at the young mother.

"Lucas, but I did ask you first." He mumbles. I pull my knees close to my chest, the surprise that this boy had just saved me leaves me with an awkward smile.

"I'm Tegan."

"That's a pretty name," he says with a smile, "would you like to join me in getting a coffee and lunch, Tegan?" Once again, his vision is preoccupied at someone else. I catch onto the game he was playing. I felt like hitting my head against the rail. I shouldn't go, maybe if I was lucky and got home, Christina would be there begging to me she was sorry.

iYou are a fucking idiot. She's gone, you know it. Go for coffee, you never know./i My mind snaps at me. I grumbled before reluctantly answering "Sure."

He takes me to a small restaurant close to Downtown. I can't really explain why I followed him so far from home. This familiar feeling of safe hung around us, I swear I've met this boy before. Everything he does reminds me of an old friend, from his obnoxious giggle, to the way he doodles on the table with the end of his slim index finger.

I look up at him, deciding he was a spiting image of a girl I used to know named Lilia. Perhaps he was a relative, even a sister I, or even she her self hadn't known about.

"This place has the best spaghetti." He says burring his face deep into a menu- pulling me from my thoughts. I smile. He's only silent for a few moments, before his mouth floods me with a sea of questions.

"So, how long were you guys together?" He says, still looking at the menue. Even the way he covered up his burning sensation to know things about others reminded me of Lilia. I sigh and think back a few years.

"It's been awhile, six years at least. We were married when I was twenty." He smirks, taking a sip of his coffee.

"That changes the story a bit," I look in his chocolate eyes. "I you might have been 15 or 16. I've seen you two on the bridge quite a bit, I thought you were just to teenagers In Like with each other.' He smirks, I feel my stomach turn. I don't think there ever was a point in my life were I was in like with Christina, and not In love. But I guessed my pills prevented me from knowing this. I sigh.

"I'm 22, thank-you-very-much. She was my high school sweetheart, but you know what they say about them." He shrugs.

"No, actually, I don't. I probably won't know either, I never got a chance with mine." Lucas laughs to himself a bit, looking into my eyes for the first time since we've entered the joint. I take this opportunity to question him now, pressing for information I wasn't quite sure I cared about.

"Why not?" He shrugs again and bites his bottom lip. I close my eyes and concentrate on his voice. He talked with a slight growl. It was teasing, almost.

"She had other plans on who she wanted to be with."

"What do you mean?" He returns his vision back to his menu.

"You're sweet, did you know that?" I pout and begin to flip through the menu, also.

"As for you." I wait for him to speak up again, but he's silent the rest of lunch.


	2. Don't Rush

The next few days were nothing as I planned. I had this twisted 'picture-perfect' image planned in my head; He'd go home and maybe call me once or twice for a week and then forget about me. I'd suffer another loss and probably go back to 'Miss. Suicidal'. Obsessing over my losses, I'd end up at the bottom of the river, any-fucking-ways, despite what happened.

But, no. Oh no.

Lucas stuck around, he took care of me good. I just had to lie in bed, and he'd wait on me hand and foot. Of coarse I liked the attention, I basked in the light of being taken care of. But when he offered to feed me once, or twice, it wasn't Like I wasn't already pathetic enough.

Fucked up probably wouldn't even begin to explain how scrambled my brain really was.

Manic Depressive

Hallucinate psychosis.

Bi-polar.

Split Personality, sure. Why not?

This whole 'mental insanity' picture, wasn't anything new. Or relatively new. Before I met Christina, I was just the same as I was now. Pathetic, weak, insecure. I relied on someone you could never imagine to keep me from feeling alone up until I met her. I was told my whole teenage years that I didn't need someone to make me happy. Well family, when the doctor prescribes me with a mental insanity that says different, I beg to differ. Until you've walked in my shoes, for as long as I have; don't tell me what I need and what I don't.

I live through a slow disease that's sucked me dry. So go fuck yourself.

I look over at Lucas, his presence starting to become a slight hassle. I couldn't move with out him questioning my well being. Yes, I can piss with out your help. No, I don't need you to run to the store for me. No, don't answer the phone when my sister calls.

He's mumbling to himself about the show on the TV, his hands are fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He looked almost as pathetic as I did. Although, I do suppose he was a nice guy, all in all. I mean, he's put up with my bitching for the past 16 days. He looks at me with a quivering lip.

"Yes?" I snap at him. His eyes look back at the floor. He lets out a sigh, he was obviously bothered by what ever he wanted to say. Coming out was always so hard.

"Do you remember me? He mumbles, fiddling with the hem of his shirt, hit teeth digging deep into his lip. I tilt my head, raising my eyebrow and mouthing the words "What, no?"

He sighs and looks up at me, his eyes full of an irrational fear. "Do you remember Lilia," I nod, "Lilia Silveira?"

"Of coarse, she was my first "official" girlfriend." I shrug, trying to remember the last time we had seen each other. "Jesus, it's been years." I mumble. He shifts in his seat, his lips falling in a mournful pout. I look up at Lucas, my view becoming blurred as my brain finds a ne-forgotten perspective of Lucas. "Oh my god," I exclaim, falling back against the couch, "I didn't even realize it was- Oh Lilia.."

He shakes his head, pulling his body to the floor before me. "Tegan, I wanted to tell you. But the truth be told, I just couldn't do it then. I didn't have it in me." I look at him, shaking my head.

"You mean, you've _always_ felt like this? Lu-Lilia, I-I, I don't know what to make of this." I say, sinking lower into the couch. Thank you, fuckass, for persenting me with the biggest awkwardness in my life, in a time I really didn't mean. Yes, that thought was irrational, but then again, so was I. I was learning to justify and act of rage by now.

"If you would have known, you wouldn't have wanted me." His face is flushed of color, his torso and head shrug in shame. I sigh and rub my temples, this was all too much.

"I took as you were before, didn't I? You stopped talking to me for years, you said you never wanted to see me again, I'm not sure what to make of _this_." I take in a deep breath. A smile curves slightly around his lips, causing a tingle runs down my spine.

"Funny, I could' a swore you said the same thing to me before, as well." I lean back on the couch. Both of us searched for the right words to say, our lips tried to move but only formed muffled noises. So, we sat in silence until one of us thought of it. "I still love you." My hands wrap around my legs and I bring my knees tighter to my chest. He gets up from the chair and walks in front of me. He sits beside, putting his left hand on me knee, I pull away from his touch. Sudden;y my breathing becomes heavy, my heart begins to race at an unnormal speed. I didn't want this happen. "I do mean it, I really always have." I want to pull away from him completly, but my diesease keeps me glued to the spot, he moves his face in closer. The voices in my head are going insane.

_No, slow down. Stop._

He's only inches away, I can feel his soft breaths on my neck. I want to run to the bridge and throw myself over, I can't put another person through this. Yet again make Lilia go through it twice. Stop, stop, stop.

_Tegan, stop this. Don't let yourself fall for this again._

Our lips brush softly.

_You've fucking done it this time. You class A fuck up._

He slides my knees down and straddles over me, his hands clamp around my face- cradling it. My body goes numb, a common reaction when I'm hurting. I feel sick, my stomach roaring with an uneasy flutter. He pulls back and smiles, feeling slips back into my body. He squirms his way under me and lies down, pulling my head softly to lie on his chest. A dull beat thumps in my ear, like "gods" trying to punish me for what I've done with his sicket lullaby.

My epiphany was finally hitting me. He had _always_ been my best friend, from the time we were 8 up until I was 17. My mind started to wonder and put myself in his shoes. The pain he felt when I suddenly decided he wasn't worth my time, that he couldn't ever compare to _my_ Christina, tingled in the tips of my toes, and spread through out my body. He was someone I cared about, I knew everything about him, and he knew everything about me. He was everything to me at one point. I knew how everything made him feel. From a summer breeze, to the death of someone close. I could always feel what he did. I knew he needed me when this happened. _And I was nowhere to be found._

So maybe, just maybe, for a while, I could fake the same emotion he felt.

**Lucas**

The light peers through the blinds in the early morning. I groan and take shelter behind the sleeping girl. My hands search her stomach for the perfect place to hold her. This feeling inside my chest was exciting, it was something I haven't felt in years. Tegan's body felt so small under my grasp, I was scared of her fragile being, how was I to be sure I wouldn't break her again?

And then the whole bigger picture of the situation hits me. Sort of like when you go to a bar and you take a chick home, and the next month she rings you up and tells you "Maybe that box of condoms you bought shouldn't have been lying unopened on the ground that night, eh?", even if things had been slightly different, this whole situation wouldn't have happened. What if I didn't take Tegan to that party when we were 16? Surely Christina wouldn't have existed. Sure, Tegan probably would have left me again, but it would have been okay. I would have gotten over it. It would have taken time- a lot of time. But the way she did it, it caused this wall to go up in my head causing this infatuation. It was like being "in love" with a celebrity; public light potrayed them aseverything you'd ever hoped for. But in real life- in their realy life, they were light years distant from that.

Why did I do this to myself? Nasty as it is, I really should have let her jump. This whole mess, would have been avoided. In the back of my mind I knew, just because she was _my_ everything, didn't mean I was _her's._

Ah, fantasy. How I could create it.

I feel her shift in my arms, her eyes open and she looks at me in confusion. "Hey Lucas..." She says softly. I manage a smile and a nod.

"How's it going?" I fall back on her bed; I stare at the ceiling, numbed by her voice. This wasn't a first.

"I have to go out today." I whisper. I can her frustrated mumble; it makes me smile a little.

"Can I come with you?" I giggle mentally. I did take a, what should I say, joy out of knowing her dependency was still there. But it should've been a given in my mind, that it was.

"Not today, I'll be back tonight." I look at her and smile. Her eyes dart about my face, as if I was a stranger she was trying to remember. A sad look falls on her face and she wraps her arm around me.

"Will you be back soon?" I shrug and envelop her in a hug. She squirms in my arms, annoyed she wasn't getting an answer. I wonder if she's faking all of this.

"Lucaaass?"

"Most likely, some time around midnight." She pouts, this is was all happening rahter wuickly, giving me some relief.

"What am I going to do all day?" I had already came up with an idea the night before.

"Can you stand me gone for ten minutes?" I grin, slightly. My feet touch the cold hardwood and dash across the room. I put my shirt and pants back on.

"Most likely, not. Stop being such a fuck ass, where are you going?" Now she smirks. I shrug and give her a quick kiss on the forehead.

"I'll be right back, my dear!" I leave through the back door. The crisp morning air floods my lungs, my breath draws shapes in the air when I exhale, I'm suprised by the coolness of the morning. I took the long way home, it took an extra fifteen minutes, but I was sure Tegan could be okay for an hour. I reach a stone walk way leading up to the door. My eyes take in the property. I had worked so hard for everything I owned, this house, it's contents, everything. And for what? What's that point to a large house, if you have no one to share it with?

I sigh and approach the door. I lean against it and presh a key into the lock. My house smelt far different from Tegan's, I smile slightly and look down at the creature prancing around my feet. "Neko! I missed you last night, my girl." I pick up my puppy and hold her close to my chest. I slip off my shoes and carry my darling Neko to the kitchen. I place her on the counter and pull a small dish from the cupboard. I grab a can of dog food from the pantry and empty it on the plate.

Neko immediately digs her face into. "You missed your food last night, didn't you?" I laugh to my self and wait for her to finish her food. I look around the kitchen. It had pastel green walls, and some black stone counter tops. Why should I know what it was? I hired someone to do that for me when the house was built. I didn't care what kind of brick was used for the facade; it didn't matter if the living room was a dull navy. "Build my house big, and build it beautiful." The Interior Decorating company had asked me if this was my wife's dream home, they were surprised when I told them it was to compensate for the wife I didn't have.

I look back to Neko and let a toothy grin slip out. "Your gonna help make Tegan happy while I run some errands today." She looks at me with that confused look most dogs give when you talk to them. I shrug and pick her up. A few small licks are placed on my neck as I head for the door. I giggle at the tickles it made. The house is locked up and I jog back to Tegan's. I did have to admit, I was picky about exercise, I liked to walk as much as I could. I examine Tegan's house when I reach it again , it was by far smaller then mine. It was large, and I suppose for Christina's income working as a CEO for some corporation I could give two fucks about, did pay off. But it was still much smaller then mine. I smirk a little at the thought of Tegan seeing my home. She'd be proud of me, I imagine. I look at Neko and prepare myself to knock on her door. A few thumps later and she stands in the door way with a face that was priceless.

"Surprise!" I put my hands up and hand her the puppy.

"Lucas! You're fucking crazy. Are you really expecting me to take care of a dog?" She looks at me with detest. I smirk and persist she takes the dog.

"Sure you can. All Neko here needs is a few pats on the head and to be let out when she scratches. Tegan mumbles to herself about me being a motherfucker, before she reluctantly takes the dog from my hands. "Hey there.." Neko squirms a bit causing Tegan to shoot awkward glances, I could tell she hated this in everyway, it would be good for her.

"See, it's easy. Now, that you have company, I'll be back after midnight." Her lips fall into a pout.

"Midnight! Blah, I hate you." She smirks. "So you're sure I can take of him?" I give an assuring smile. She doubted herself far to much, I wish I could take the sickness away.

"Okay, I'll see you later them." I kiss her check, she moves her face so our lips touch. I pull back and was well aware my face was 1857 shades of blush. "B-bye." I take the short way back home. It was odd coming home to a now 'empty' home. I mean, at least Neko was here with me. "Mmmmblaah." I stretch before slipping offmy shoes and throwing my shirt off and into a pile on the couch. I walk aimlessly around the house.

I'd do this often, when I wanted to think. I decide a shower would be a god thing walk to the upstairs bathroom. I could've used the bathroom downstairs, but it was habit to shower in the Master Bedroom's bathroom. I twirl the tap on and take a seat on the counter. I close my eyes and wait until the hot steam made the air to stuffy to breath; I then take my pants off. I turn my head, not wanting to see the reflection of myself in the mirror.

I never knew why I had a clear shower curtain; it always felt like someone was sitting in the closet, watching me naked. The fact wasn't comforting, but that's probably because I didn't share the same fetish most child molesters did. I bury my face in the water. An ecstasy and relaxation makes tingles down my spine.

I noticed a small bite mark, maybe we became a bit 'carried away' last night. Still; it made me feel, awkward at best.

I rub the mark, in hopes it would come off. I continued to rub, I rubbed and rubbed and rubbed until my arm became raw and sore to touch. My eyes began to sting, I was crying. I was slowly working myself into a self pity induced mood.

I fall against the stone tiles on the wall and fall softly to the shower's floor. The water started to burn as it touched my body, but I figured a little pain would never kill me. This was something regular, I could probably stand it anyways.

Why is it I'd have to meet her again under these circumstances? It was obvious she wasn't taking her medication, making her need me for all the wrong reasons.

She always needed me for the wrong reasons.

This wouldn't be 'love'; it would be a sick-fucking mockery. A stupid high school crush turned into a lovesick infatuation. How fucking lovely.

I felt defeated and worn out. I was sick of putting myself through this. But I needed her, I loved her. I promised I'd make her better, and I didn't intend on breaking that anytime. My fist slams against the floor. I needed my relief.


	3. Hell

**A/N: Alright, so incase anyone's seen this before on mibba, it was there, and now i'm posting it here, edited and re-written. And although it doesn't seem like a quincest yet, it will be in soon time. Thanks for reading. (:**

**Tegan**

I sit on the couch and watch as Neko played with a stuffed child's toy I found laying around. I bite my nails, nervous he'd look for attention from me. I don't know why Lucas would leave me responsible for some so fragile. There was no way I could care for a puppy full time. Neko picks up the toy and walks over to me.

"G-Go play over there Neko..." I point my finger to a chair across the room. He jumps in to my lap and looks at me curiously. I raise my shaking hand and pet him softly. His tail wiggles on my leg. I smile a little and pet him again.

"I. I can do this.." I pick up Neko and cradle her in my arms. I lean back on the couch and ease my way into one of my happier memories.

A faux-family portrait is drawn in my mind.

A small little child smiles happily between Christina and I. Our son? No, [I]my[/I] son. Well of course he wasn't 'my' son, Christina had the tendency to sneak off and fool around with the guys. She had the pregnancy, she carried another mans child. But I raised him, I made him my own. I took my hurt, my frustration, my hate, for what had happened, and turned it into nurture and care for him. Jaqk, was his name. It was Sara's idea to add the 'Q' instead of an 'C', after all, my last name was Quin and I did want him to feel like my own. I took a an odd self satisfaction that he [I]never[/I] once did refer to Christina as mommy, she was simply 'Lady'. In his eyes, I was his mother, so to speak, I fed him, I spent 24 hours a day with him, I loved him more than she could [I]ever[/I]. But she took him when she left. And now he was simply the past. Mothering seemed to be the only thing I could do right in my life, hell, I haven't even spoken to the woman who helped name my son in almost three years.

Neko barks and pulls me from trance. I look at her and smile a little. "You miss Lucas, eh girl?" I can't understand why Lucas would leave me to rot under my own devices, why he would put himself through my bullshit and for what? A relationship that I know neither of us wants. Even if I wanted to, how could I love him, now? I loved _Lilia_, the mouthy bitch with a cigarette constantly hanging from he left side of her lips, not Lucas, this person with someone inside him I've never seen before. It was appearing I wasn't the only insane one anymore.

I look out the window, the soft rustle of the wind blowing the trees leaves fill my ears. I close my eyes and block out the tears. Why was this all coming back full circle on me? Why couldn't I have one of them, and keep it that way. Sara, Lucas, Christina, Sara, Lucas Christina. It was like some sick love game. I couldn't tell if the loop of the three was because I was really in love with one of them, or because I cant handle a simple fucking task my self. Maybe I had never loved any of them and just depended on them so much, that I made myself believe I has some sort of love for them.

[I]Or that I miss her now[/I].

I suppose this should be a closed story case, he loves me and I love him. But that's not how it is, I don't know what love really means, I don't even think I know how to truly love.

I know how to depend, and there's a difference. I know how to make myself believe that my partner is the only way I can function. They are the only way I can decide what to do in life, because I can't.

I don't know how to return the feelings. I don't know how to make them happy. I know how to repeat and repeat, the same things over and over..

But Lucas clears that up, I know what he wants. I know what he needs.. I just, I can't imagine myself ever knowing how to give them to him.

Neko muzzles her face beside mine.

"Why does he do it girl?" I sit quite for the rest of the day, my body daring not to move. I lay on the couch, watching the trees cast shadows on the walls. The moved like ghosts as the breeze picked up and night started to roll in.

(**Lucas'**)

I walk slowly around the Toronto suburb. My eyes shying away to the ground, I never did like this neighbor hood. Or this city, for that matter. Robberies, vandalism, murder, they were everyday things here. The night sky was casted jet black as storm clouds filled the sky. The various shades of blue and blacks casted an off brown shadow in the smog among the cities horizon, something natured intended to be beautiful destroyed by this place. Three girls approach me, I smile at their presence.. Two, are shorter and have [i]almost[/i] matching hair. The other one is tall and extremely thin, her hair is dark and much different from the other two.

"Lucas!" They all exclaim. I smile and the two a hug.

"Sara, Dakota! And, who's this?" I nudge Sara in the arm with my shoulder. She blushes.

"This is Emy, my fiancée." I smile and shake her hand. My face darts about hers. She looked like a giant version of Sara. Like one of those huge teddies you could win at carnivals, she intimidated me, none the less.

"Nice to meet you." She smiles.

"Same to you." Kota smirks,

"So how've you been keeping ?" I shrug and keep my personal life personal. As long as I've known them, there's still something, odd to me, about giving away the intimate details of my life I knew they wanted to know. I give them a simple answer, hinting with the tone of my voice I didn't want the subject pressed.

"Busy.." Sara's face twists into an awkward smile, before the words leave her mouth, I know what she's to say. "Tegan's doing a lot better." I say through my teeth, how did one tell their obsession's sister, let alone her twin, she was going through a mental break down? Emy nudges her in the shoulder, giving her a motherly smile. Sara sighs and throws her arms around me, I place my foot backwards to keep myself from falling over.

"Whoaaaaa!" She gets off me quickly and smiles almost identically to Tegan's toothy grin.

"Thanks for, you know, saving her.." I almost laugh, the way she looked at me she must have thought I was some modern day super hero. Tears brim her hazle eyes, and I wonder if she feels the same as I do anymore.

"Wow Sara, you still have the uncanny ability to know everything?" I say with a plastered smirk, Sara frowns playfully.

"Oh, jesus. She is my sister, you three act as if I've never met her before!" Emily rolls her eyes and scoffs, nudging Sara on the shoulder, almost knocking her over. She was an amazon woman compared to 5'2 Sara.

"And you totally didn't run into Christina either right?" Sara glairs at her, shrugging.

"For like.. a minute. I know everything Tegan does. We have like a telepathic sense you wouldn't know about." She folds her arm and raises her head proud, always trying to act like the stronger one. I resist the urge to mention that she hasn't uttered a word to Tegan in almost three years, I wasn't the type to tear down the seemingly perfect facade of someone obviously broken underneathe.

"…Well, Tegan... is doing better than she was.. So, not to worry." I say, ending the discussion abruptly.

"She's not by herself, is she?" I shake my head and look at the dark clouds, I could almost taste the rain waiting to pour.

"No, she's watching Neko." Koti smirks.

"She must've been happy about that."

"She seemed alright when I left, she's probably sleeping right now." I look at my watch, it was almost 11. "Speaking of that, why are you three still out?" Sara rolls her eyes.

"We had to come get Kota from her 'girlfriends' house." She smirks, Dakota's face turns bright pink.

"Oh Jesus, this again? We're getting married." Sara nods and smirks.

"Yeap. I'm sure. What happened to the last, I don't know, two?" Kota's eyebrows scowl, I wonder how someone could be married and divorced twice by Twenty-two. I decide now would be my best time to leave, I hated being caught in the middle of these kind of things.

"I should be heading back, it was nice seeing you guys! And Sara, you should stop by sometime."

"One day." She smiles and pats my back. I smile back and turn around. My feet take me in the opposite direction from the girls, and down the road to Tegan's house. Thunder started to rumble now. Rain falls and begins to flood the streets.

"Fuck." I begin to run back to the white brick house. By the time I reached the porch, I was soaked, but that would be an obvious, right? The house was quiet,Tegan lays sideways on the couch, her hazel eyes illuminated under the glow of lightning. Her eyes gaze up on me, her face still plastered in her lost look. "You're soaked." She whispers, her body moving upwards, she stands up.

"No shit?" Neko looks up from the floor at me, her tongue hanging from her lips in her tired stupor.

"Let me get you something else to put on." I laugh a little, trying to ignore the obvious tension and awkwardness in the room.

"I don't think you'd have anything I'd typically wear." She shrugs and walks to her room, leaving me to sit in wonder on the living room floor. What had happened in the hours that I'd been gone that would turn her into this? I sigh and rest my head on my hand. Tegan returns a few moments later with an old shirt and a pair of pj pants that were an obvious ten sizes too big for her. I smile and take the clothes, pulling my belt buckle from the loops of my jeans.

"Uh, I'll be in the kitchen.." Tegan says turning away. I grab her shoulders and entangle her in my body, what was I doing? Her face falls into an awkward glance,I knew she didn't want this, that she would pretend, but still I persisted to leave soft kisses along the crook of her neck. She lets out a tiny gasp, her eyes are closed tight, if I had known better I could have sworn she was holding back tears. I wrap my hands around her thighs and carry her to the bedroom. She rests her head in my neck, I place her fragile body on the bed. I place my knees on each side of her. She pulls my head down and searches in the dim light for my lips. A surge runs through my back; my whole body _ached_ in bittersweet happiness. She holds my head in her hands and exams my features, her brown eyes devouring every inch of my face. Her hands slide down my chest- softly, they move along scars I wished didn't have to exist. Her eyes burn with intrigue, while the rest of her showed obvious signs of confusion.

I put her hand on my heart, the only thing that mattered. "Did it hurt?" She says with a lack of emotion that stung. I sigh and let my arms shrug.

"The tubes did, also while it was healing, a bit. Every time I thought I'd gotten used to the pain, I'd find another way to make it hurt." I smile, half assed. It hurt more than that, I kept fucking around with it, and maybe some was self-induced? But the whole week was a grey area, it was over and done, and that was it.

"Oh, Lucas." She curls up beneath me. The look her eyes held told me she was scared to touch or look at me. Was I a monster, was she simply scared she would break me? But, how could she re-break what had already become un-broken?

Or could it possibly be she regretted leaving me at the most venerable time of my life. That thought lingered the longest in my head, for a while I chose to believe it.

"…It's fine, really, it is." I fake a smile, she knows it's a lie, but ignores it.

"Are you happy at least?" I rest my forehead against Tegan's.

"There's more I could still do, but for the most part, I am." She shakes her head, torn between right and wrong. "Do you love me?" I furrow my brown and regret the question, but still, my lips persisted it.

"…Lucas?"

"Do you?" She bites her lip in frustration, her eyes shut, it killed her that she would have to force out a lie.

"I do.. I love you." For tonight, I would live with this pain. Tonight would be about her. Tonight I would make Tegan happy, even if it was me only thinking she was happy. My lips find their way along the crook of her neck once again. My hands fumble with the lower hem of her shirt, she sighs below me.

"Just do it already." She mumbles in our kiss, annoyance hanging deep ing her words. I take off her shirt and throw it on the floor, her frame was everything I'd remember it to be- a side from a few misplaced tattoos here and there.

She tries to slide down my pants, shock springs through my legs. And I softly grab her hand. "This is all for you.."


	4. On Directing

**Tegan  
**

I hated the nights like this. The world in my eyes had faded to black and white, any sounds, movement, or life that threatened the realm of insanity in my head where banished from my senses. This was truly living in my head. My body forces it's self to spill the contents of my mind, pushing all the secrets it kept from it's self into the open. I look over at Lucas, his thin body moving in tune with each of his breaths. Why would he put himself through this? He's had years to get over these feelings, to end the misery I had caused him, yet, he persisted to keep it in him. Every day it seemed he pulled salt in an open wound. He needed better than this, he needed better than me.

This mess of emotions begins to build in me, at first I want to burn down everything in sight, I want to destroy everything I had built for myself. But in seconds, this anger and self hatred turns to tears, and I'm left gasping for air. I try to silence myself, burring my face deep in a pillow, but it seems my body wants to create a production of my insanity.

"Tegan," Lucas looks over at me through tired eyes, "are you okay?" I bury my face deeper into my pillow. I could still find faint traces of Christina's soft smell on it, this just hardens the blow.

"I'm fine, you should get back to sleep." He groans and props him self up on his elbows, his lips fall into a twisted glance of worriment.

"Hush, love. Don't cry, what's wrong?" My stomach starts to turn in horrid delight.

I couldn't understand why he was such an angel to me. I couldn't possibly be the insane one.

"I don't deserve you." He sighs, already having heard this argument too [i]many[/i] before.

"Why not?"

"Lucas, you're perfect. Everything you are, is anything, anyone could ask for. You are everything I need. You are everything I am, you always have been my best friend. But I can't do this, I just can't. I can't love you like I used to, I-I, my heart still belongs to someone else." He doesn't make a noise, not even a breath leaves his body. Time has given up on, leaving him a hollow shell. I put my head up, his eyes focused on the floor, tears softly falling from them every so often. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," He choked on his own lie, he fakes a half hearted smile. "I can understand, I'm not your boy.." My chest begins to burn in agony, and I want to selfishly build the wall I had broken between us back up.

"That's not what I meant, Lucas.." He shakes his head. He collects his now dry shirt from the window sail and moves closer to the door.

"This is my fault. I shouldn't have over stayed my welcome." I begin to cry harder now, this voice in my head telling me to make my Monday-Lover pity me, I jump out of bed.

"No, Lucas, wait!" I follow him as her walks through the house, collecting his random and various belongings around the house.

"Please, don't.." He scoffs and shoots me a look as if to tell me I'm insane- Like i hadn't already known, or something.

"How am I supposed to stay with out you knowing what you really want?." I open my mouth, but I choke on my words and tears. He shakes his head.

"Goodbye Tegan."

"No, no, this can't be happening again." That same awful feeling devours my body as it did more than two week ago. I grab his sleeve and hold on with a death grip, taking my position as Most Selfish Fucker of Earth.

His brown eyes are lined with tears, yet his looks was determined. They both had seemed so happy to leave. "You tell me to leave, yet you want me stay?" I hold on tighter to his sleeve. My face resting on his shoulder. "You, Tegan Quin, are truly _fucked_." This one stings a little.

"Don't go.." He lets out a sigh and stands motionless, for a moment I think he's going to stay- my hopes fly out the window when he yanks his arm from my grasp.

"I love you, Tegan." The front door opens and soon he is gone. I collapse in a heap on the front porch, the creeping feeling of utter loneliness crawls up my spine. The only sounds that fill the house of my sobs, I felt more pathetic than I looked. I needed someone to hold me, to tell me it was alright, I look over at a picture of two teenage girls on the wall, my lips letting her name slip past them.

"Sara..."

I crawl along the floor until I reach a side table that held the phone, I dial a familiar number and lean against the wall impatiently.

"Hallo?" a sleepy and confused voice asks.

"Sara?" I say, trying to hold back my tears.

"Tee-tee?" I'm silent for a few moments, trying to collect the thoughts cascading through my mind. Sara lets out an awkward sigh.

"How's it going?" She groans, I can hear her as she fusses with a blanket.

"It's good. What about you, why are you calling so late? Actually, what happened, why are you calling at all?" She asks, the slightest tone of resenment in her voice. How out of everyone, could I think of using her, after everything? I hated the walk contradiction I had become.

"I fucked up. I fucked everything up." I can hear her talking to Emy, she's silent for a few moments.

"Where's Lucas?"

"He's gone. I told him I didn't want to hurt him." She sighs, silence interrupts us for a moment of two.

"Look, Tegan, just stay put, I'll be over there in a few minutes." I smile in relief.

"Thanks Sara."

"Anytime." The dial tones greats me abruptly, and I wonder what mess I would pull Sara into this time. I crawl along the hardwood to my bed room, pulling a long shirt off the floor and over my head. The wood was cold against my bare legs, I took a moment to breathe the situation in. The sweet, and supple taste of irony danced along my lips, my mind rejoiced in the misery I had brought to myself. I'd always craved attention, be it positive or negative, the latter of the two being my guilty favorite, as any one outside looking in could see.

I feel a soft shaking throughout my body, Sara's soft voice coxing my from my sleep. "Tegan, Tegan? I'm here now, come on, wake up."

"Sara?" I jump from my perch on the couch and into her arms, the fruity smell of her hair fills my nose, I smile in a trivial item I had forgotten.

"Tegan, I, I missed you.."

"I know... I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am." She lets go of me, faking an apologetic smile.

"It's okay, really, it is. I'm just happy you called, what happened?" We sit on the couch.

"How can I let myself hurt him more? I had to say it, I had to, he has to finally see it." She taps her fingers on her kneecaps, letting an exasperated sigh slip between her lips. I loathed myself for putting her through this again.

"I'm assuming you stopped your pills?" I look away ashamed. I hated the medication, they made me feel numb- not in a calming sense. I couldn't handle taking them, being insane was far better than having shit for brains. She rubs her hand on my shoulder.

"What did he say?" I shake my head, trying to block out the stare of her distant eyes.

"'I'm hurting him, but why can't he understand, I'm doing this so I stop hurting him?" Sara smiles and a little and rests her head on her hand.

"Tegan, do you think anyone in their right mind would have put themselves through what he did for how many years if he didn't expect _some_ good out of it? I'm sure somewhere inside his head he knows you'll never love him the same, but he refuses to believe it. You have this affect on people, it's impossible to explain." She looks out the window, I still can't bring myself to look at her.

"I'm an idiot.. I'm such a fucking idiot." Sara sighs and rubs my back again.

"Look, I'll go talk to him and see if he'll calm down a little. Okay?" I smile.

"Thank you."


	5. Red Belt

**a/n it's officially been one year since I first posted this on mibba, this excites me. this story started off as a vent of mine to get over a relationship and has turned into a 27 chapter saga (if you kept up with it on mibba) so, celebrating one year, here's chapter five. (:**

**(Lucas)**

I close my eyes and bury my face in my hands, a small attempt to stop the liquid emotion flowing from my body. Neko lay in the grass beside me, letting out nagging whimpers. My body ached, it ached in hurt, it ached in hate, but most of all it ached in some sick, bittersweet love- Horrendous, stupid, teenage love. It's in the middle of a break down like this, that I can finally come to terms (even for the time being) that I must be one hundred times more insane then Tegan. With a loud, uncomfortable sigh, I take my head out from my hands and look at the sky. Clouds were still present here and there, but the stars still shone brightly. It was beautiful and blissful. Yet, it seemed the moment had been ruined when a tall black haired girl walked up to me.

Blazing green eyes, a sexy swagger and a pout to match. She wore a grin that was all too familiar.

"Well if it isn't Lilia! Still chasing after _my_ Tegan?" I look at the ground and pull at a clump of grass, cursing whatever "god" out there may exist. Irony was becoming my biggest bitch.

"And what in the world could _you_ possibly want, _Christina?_"

She takes a long drag on a cigarette and shrugs, her smirk never leaving her lips. She shifts her weight to her left hip, holding her head high with false pride, I knew her tricks like the back of my hand. This was also a constant occurrence in my previously mundane life.

"Oh Lilia, Lilia, Lilia. I see you haven't change." I grind my teeth. A compulsion that was too fucked up, even for mind comes over me- I pull at more grass to calm my nerves. "It's Lucas," I hiss under my breath.

She grins a bit now, her coffee stained teeth dully reflecting the street light. She was beautiful, really she was, but the way she fucking came off to people was enough to turn that beauty horrendously ugly. There was one point in the long time I've known Christina, that I actually liked her. It was two years ago. July 4th; to be exact. In two days she'd be walking down the aisle with something that surely should have belonged to me. She made me a promise, a promise still written in ink on her arm. She'd "never leave" Tegan, she'd do "[i]everything[/i] in her power" to keep her happy. To make sure this didn't fucking happen. I wrote the vows she took with Tegan. The letter, 'her promise', they were constructed from my heart. The words that left her lips, they were mine. It was when she asked me to write her vows on July 5th, I realized she couldn't give two fucks about "her" Tegan at all.

"I take pity on you, believing that she might actually love you one day. Who could love _you_? " I leap off the group and straight into her face, my hands clenched in a tight fist.

"Fuck you, Christina. You think you played her so well. You're a fucking idiot, if anything, she played _you._" She smirks, her eyes gazing down on me. Behind the burning green lay the slightest hint of fear, the fear that her game had been found out. "'Just face it, for once, _you_ where the one who got fucked over." My hands are clenched tight against my chest, my mind using every effort to keep them there.

"Do it Lucas. Try to hit me." To say the thought wasn't playing on a continuous loop in my mind would be a downright lie, but at the same time I didn't want, to be blant, knock her the fuck out wasn't because she was simply here and was an easy target, but rather after eight years of this, I had reached my breaking point. She pulls a carton of Molboro's fromher pocket, taking one out and lighting it. "Of course you can't. You couldn't then, and you can't now. But don't worry, she's not here to see it this time at least." She spits, taking a long drag on the cigarette. "Still wordless? Ah, just as pathetic as you used to be. Don't worry Lucas, I'll fix Tegan back up. I'll be seeing you soon." She smirks, pulling her body away from mine.

I stand motionless in the road, my mind loss in a swirl of thoughts. The air around me fades into silence as the clumping of Christina's heels drift farther and farther away. I fall backwards on the curb, my eyes tracing the stars.

My eyes search the stars for a sign. I hoped whatever the hell was in the sky would tell me what to do, where to go. All that comes back are images I'd like to forget. Images of you looking at me, like I was everything you [I]ever[/I] wanted. I wish these feelings would leave me- I know somewhere deep-down I could be so much more without them. I'm tired of being so alone, I'm tired of this hopeless infatuation, I'm sick of this all. Yet, the thought of moving on was the farthest thing on my mind. I wipe away the tears and grab Neko. Her tongue hangs slightly out of her mouth, she was half asleep by now. I hoist myself up and start my decent back home. What was I to do about all of this? I needed to find something new, but I couldn't just [I]leave[/I] Tegan, could I? And then it hits me;

[I] I needed her more than she needed me. [/I]


	6. The Cure

(**Sara**)

I walk around the quite Toronto suburb, millions of thoughts bouncing off my head. How had I been dragged into this situation I thought I had broken free of years ago? How is that I found myself walking through a battle field of a war I had forfeited years ago? this couldn't be reality, surely this was a bitter-sweet dream. I wanted nothing more than the happiness of my twin, but I learned one hell of a long time ago that her happiness is an impossible object to obtain, the unreachable star that everyone seemed to reach for.

I've heard love is an indefinable emotion, it shows no boundaries and no ending. This beautiful, infinite feeling. It was the reason Lucas put up with all of Tegan's shit, the reason no matter how hard we'd try to forget her, she'd still seep into our dreams at night, leaving us with a dope-sick ache for her. To me this was all a lie, a positive turn on a sick creation. The way I cared for Emy was nothing like this description of "love". She was simply someone I cared deeply for, we were to be married, but I wasn't to marry her out of love. I was simply afraid of being alone for the rest of life, she was someone who could relate to this as well. We work. We don't love, we work. Maybe there was time in my life that I had thought I had found this "Love", but I see now that was nothing more than my own blind and naive stupidity.

I sigh and pull the belt undone on my red coat. Lucas had a beautiful house, one I would have to give my life savings up to even just rent, _for a month_. Daisey's crept up along the stone walk way, leaning their yellow heads against large willows, weeping in the garden. His house was like a castle, built for a queen only existing in the depths of his mind. Sometimes I regretted doing nothing with my life after high school, of course I had always had Emy. She had worked for a graphic design company much like the one Lucas owned from the the time she was 16 until now, she had always had ample money- plus. I never had the need to go to school, or find a job.

I press the door bell lightly, my eyes searching the horizon for the growing sun. It's a few moments before Lucas opens the door, stumbling to the left in surprise.

"Sara," He whispers, trying to hide his red eyes, "W-wha-what do you want?" I sigh and try to put on a friendly smile.

"We need to talk about this all." He sighs, his face a little reluctant at first.

"Come in." His house smelled of ginger, it's insides far more beautiful than the facade.

"Wow, Lu. I'm honestly impressed by your house." The tiniest sparkle of pride fills his eyes.

"Thanks." His voice was hard, why did he try to hide what he felt? We both sit opposite to each other in the living room.

"So?" He says rather impatiently. I take off my jacket and place it on my lap, I continue to try to smile.

"I don't think I expected to wind up here under these pretenses, again." I say biting my bottom lip- He laughs a little.

"I don't expected this to ever end. Tegan and Christina's relationship was joke I was getting used to." He smirks, his eyes heavy with guilt. Such a contradiction.

"Lucas, I know their relationship wasn't the greatest. But you have to give some credit, it lasted far longer than we though it would." He shrugs, resting his head on his palm.

"I seen Tina on the way home," I take a deep breath in, that was unexpected. "She didn't say much, though. Still, it hit me hard, you know? It's like some one kicked me in the fucking head and told me to wake up. Tegan won't ever love me. She'll love the fact of me, but she will never just love me." And there was that word again. I didn't know what to say, do I feed him a lie that Tegan will love him, or do I tell him the truth that shes incapable of ever "loving" anyone?

I take the coward's option.

I reach over and ran my hand along his back soothingly. I try to look like my condolences were for him. "She can't love anyone. You can't blame her for that, now can you?." I say quietly. He looks at me and shrugs my hand off his back and stands up abruptly.

"_You_ would know, wouldn't you?"

I sit back on the couch and look at him, "What..?" He shakes his head.

"Did you two really think I was stupid, that I couldn't see the looks you'd give each other when I wasn't looking?" His voice was loud.

"I'm sorry.." I mumble, looking at the puppy scurrying about his feet, he shakes his head again.

"Don't be, I just thought out of everyone, you'd be the first to fucking admit it."

"Admit it? Admit what, that I was "in love" with not only my sister, my twin? Yes, because that doesn't come off as fucking insane, now does it?" He scoffs.

"You seemed pretty special to Tegan, she was always showing you off, she'd probably admit it." I look at him in shock.

"Because she devoted all her fucking time to me, right? Oh, a weekend here, a weekend there. But she still "loved" me, I was still "number one". Was I number one after you were Lucas? Or perhaps you had been number 2 seeming though she spent most of your relationship fucking Christina. Tegan's sick, the only sense of anything she can feel is the pride of having someone attatched to her hip. You insult _my_ fucking Tegan again, and I will kill you." I hover above Lucas, my mind bouncing everywhere.

"Sara…. I'm. I-I'm sorry." I shake my head and turn towards the door.

"I've got to go, I don't trust her alone." I hiss, pulling open the door. He pulls on my sleeve, I jerk away.

"No, I'm sorry, I just... I don't know." I shrug.

"Neither do I.."

He sighs and nods.

"Tell Tegan I'm sorry.." I nod and leave.


	7. Northshore

I take a longer path back to Tegan's, wondering around her suburb searching for the thoughts and emotions that felt so distant to me. Perhaps I should just return home, leaving this whole situation to rot under Lucas and Tegan's care, and not that of my own- after all, where is it exactly that I fit into this? I feel so exhausted, sick of stitching up the fabric of Tegan's life every time she creates a tear. My threads turned weak and my needles ran dull. I look at the waking sun, my eyes pushing past the horizon for answers to questions that don't yet exist.

I close my eyes and sigh, as i find my self on Tegan's front step, my body beckoning entrance to her house. Her scent instantly fills my nose, and intoxicating smell that pulls my down the hallway and to her bedroom, where I find her frantically searching through boxes in her closet. Each had a label and a lock, some brand new, and some worn out with time. I whisper a soft hello and take a seat on her bed, she looks at me briefly and smiles a little, returning her attention to her boxes of secrets.

"Tegan," I whisper, turning and laying on my stomach, "What are you doing?" She throws a few articles of clothes across the room, brushing back her short bangs from her eyes. She grumbles.

" I'm searching..." The frustration in her eyes burns at my stomach, and the apathy I've been avoiding for so long rushes into my head. I regret returning back. Her determination struck an odd chord, the misplaced jealousy that whatever she searched for would create a new bond between Lucas and her puzzles me. I feel like a mess.

"Found it!" She exclaims, pulling out a sun-bleached black box. This confused me more a it had not seen the light of day since we were at least 17. I knew this box well, and I knew exactly what was inside of it. The first time Tegan had ever let me into her mind, she showed me this box. I studied it's contents for hours, reading every single line of paper, burning the images into my mind. She pulls a set of keys off the floor, unlocking her tiny box of secrets, and pulling out the scattered pages of her life.

She hands me a picture of two young girls, their pretty faces covered by long chestnut locks. I twist my face, avoiding the desperate look she gave to me that same night when we were 14. She needed caring, and she needed to feel loved, she needed what Lucas was willing to give her. And what I had tried for years to kill in my mind. She hands me a letter, the picture and a list. "Tegan, I.. I don't think I can.." My eyes search Tegan's face for the imperfections that I loved.

I break down, the pure thought of denying my love for Tegan rips my heart in two. I couldn't go on anymore lying to myself that I "loved" Emy, I couldn't deny that I was a lesbian only because I had fallen so in love with Tegan, that I'd date any other girl in hopes I'd fill the void she left, and suddenly; I lose touch with every moral in my head.

**Tegan**

Sara's lips brush softly against mine, I relax against her body holding tightly against the back hem of her shirt. She pulls away from me, trying to hide the the tears glistening in her eyes. "Tegan, how do I know you're not lying? It's been hours since he's left. How do i know this isn't a game?" She whispers, chewing the soft skin of her bottom lip. I asked myself the same question.

"We'll just have to believe it's not." She shakes her head, throwing me glances of desperation.

"Tegan, don't you get it? You can't just pretend you love me, just as I can't pretend you do as well. I can't give up what I have for something that can end in a heart beat. I'm not Lucas, I can't break and bend to fit into the mold of_ your_ reality- I have to live in tangibility." Her eyes burn down on me, I look away and try to find some Garden of Eden within my mind. Somewhere there had to be love for her, after 22 years how couldn't there be? An old memory plays in my head, bringing old feelings back that surely were what Sara was looking for.

* * *

_"Tegan?" I'm woken from my sleep by a faint voice that quivers and cracks in fear._

"_Sara, what're you doing awake?" She looks out the window- she's lost. _

"_There's a storm, I'm-I'm scared." I look at my sister in disbelief, it was 3:30 and we both had to be up at Quarter past Six, and she was waking me up for _this_?_

"_Jesus Christ, Sara. You're 14 go back to fucking sleep." I hiss, noticing now the smooth lines of tears collecting down her face. She stills searches into the darkness.._

"_Can I sleep with you, tonight?" I can't stand to see her looking out into the night anymore, the pure look of nothing on her face. My heart breaks, I let her into my with out further question.  
I raise the blanket, offering her space on the tiny (yet appropriate) twin sized bed. She takes a seat, curling up on the end of the bed like a dog. I smile and crack a joke, implying I'd like her body closer to mine. She smiles slight and cuddles close up another request. I brush hair from her face and look down upon my troubled half.  
_

"_What's wrong?" She looks at me with an expression I will never see again. Her hazle eyes look empty, her face so long an infinate darkness may come and take her away. The look far surpasses sadness, I don't know what to call it. I feel my chest seize, she's got me hypnotized._

"_I love you." She softly murmurs, I raise my head and look curiously at my sister. I know well what she means, but I can't help but play a short game.  
_

"_I love you, too.." She shakes her head and clutches onto my blanket._

"_No, Tegan, you don't understand… I'm**, **I'm** in love** with you."I take comfort in her voice.  
_

"_Sara…" Her eyes fall into mine, and in this moment I'm sure we looked perfect._

"_No.." She whispers softly into my ear, her hands crawl around my shoulders and she props herself up to hover over me. "I **love** you." Her lips touch mine, sparking the most confusion I had ever experienced. Her lips and body fit so perfectly with mine, and I was confused how something so meant to be could be so far from right; I remember the confusion on why her tears still fell on my nose after I had strengthen our embrace. And the confusion as to why I can't find the few seconds in between that, and when we had found ourselves shirtless, frantically searching to touch any skin our shy-hands could find._

_Her tongue traces circles around my neck; I couldn't begin to make heads-or-tails of the situation. I was lost in a world of ecstasy she has lead me to. Was this a game she had made to help me escape the feelings of loneliness, or did Sara truly want this for me, for us? She leaves my neck and plants warm kisses on my chest; her breaths leave her mouth and create a tingling sensation down my body. I was in her heaven. But, she didn't stop there, her kisses moved down, and so did the boxers I had worn to bed. She's about to show me the darkness that consumes her mind.  
_

"_Sara?"  
_

_She looks up at me with wide eyes, her finger sits over her lips, telling me to fall to silence. I let my head fall back on my pillow; her tongue traces shapes on my lower body.  
_

"_Sara…" I whisper._

_My head raced through thousands of thoughts, I couldn't grasp on to the one about my sister being the first to take me places I had never been. I must have been inexperienced, because in a few moments I was done. Sara now lay with her head resting on my bare chest; she smiles and licks her lips._

"_I love you, Tegan." ._

_

* * *

_

I had always thought that meeting Christina was what had made our relation ship deteriorate. Up until now, it hadn't occurred to me that maybe devoting the large majority of my time to Lucas was what pushed her away. It seemed the lie I lived in my mind was starting to unravel, glimpses of reality flushed through, my sickness tries desperately to put it's walls back up. It bothered me that genetically we were one, but a mistake was made an now we were two - How was it she had grown so strong, and I had been left so weak? Why did I have to fill the voids left out of myself, witht he perfections so intricately woven in to her genetic makeup?. By the way she looks at me now, I know she feels the same.

I look at Sara, mentally wiping away the tears falling swiftly onto her blouse. Why couldn't I take away her confusion and self doubt? Why couldn't I take her burdans away, as she had taken mine? She knows the pain she's putting herself through and questions if it'll hurt her more in the end. But I know she doesn't question herself when she kisses me, because she knows for the moment she'll be happy, and that's all that matters to her. But what kind of happiness is that, if it fails to last? She touches the skin behind my neck, her cold hand sends chills down my spine. Her left hand pushes my chest and we collapse in a heap on the ground, Sara's kisses are soft, vauge memories fill my eyes, this becomes my most somber time.

My hands trail down her back, thin vertebrae makes bumps and creases in my skin. What had caused my sister to deprive herself of food to end up like this? The next moment ran through my mind a thousand times. Her shirt slid to the floor, her chest was flat and littered with deep scars, I feel sick by the way my sister had distorded her body. Her hands trail to her jeans button, her lips touch mine and don't leave until i'm ontop of her. Why was I putting her through this?


	8. Nightwatch

**Sara**

I feel the coolness of the sheet against my breast, I smile at the numbness still spread in my toes. I sneak a glance out the window, taking in every inch of the setting sun. The clock reads 6:00 pm and I mentally curse myself for letting Tegan tire me out so bad. I close my eyes and imagine the feeling of her lips against mine, and in an instant I'm lost in some sort of euphoric dream. I felt grounded, like everything around me was a permanent fixture in this mundane existence I called a life.

But this is torn away by the all-too familiar giggle coming from the kitchen.

Could it be...?

No...

Emy _surely _wouldn't come here... would she? I told her I'd be gone most of the day and not too expect me back until late.

I slip out of bed and dress in my boy shots left thrown across the floor, I steal a t-shirt from Tegan's laundry hamper; taking a moment to find her smell on the fabric before going into the kitchen to face my fiancee. I hadn't been asleep anywhere near long enough for the smiles and stories they were telling each other when I enter the room. Tegan sits curled up the counter, while Emy hunches over the table, sipping coffee from a pastel brown mug.

Emy looks at me with a smile. "Sara Bear, good afternoon! Tegan and I were just catching up over some coffee. Care to join?" I mentally cringe at the pet name she brands me with and sit beside her at the table. She wraps her arms around me and places a kiss on my cheek. I avoid Tegan's jealous glance, if looks could kill.

"Where's your ring?" She shares a worried glance.

"In my jewelry box, I forgot to put it on before I left last night.."

Emy's about to scold me, but Tegan wins the spot to voice her thoughts first. "Well Emy, it was nice to have you over and everything, and with all-do-respect, I do have to get ready and go out for dinner. Now I promised Sara I'd take her out for a fantastic dinner for coming over tonight, so I'd appreciate it if you could leave us to it." Tegan lies through her teeth. Emy reads through it like a book, but takes the hint it was her time to leave. She gives me a kiss and a good bye and she's off.

I lean back on the chair and smirk, teasing Tegan with my grin. "You suck. Majorly."

Tegan shrugs and puts her coffee mug down on the counter. "She left didn't she?" I giggle a little.

"I'm taking her to dinner for coming over _tonight_. As far as I'm aware I've only been here since morning, fuckhead. " she rolls her eyes and hops down to the floor.

"I didn't say that. . . Did I?" Tegan wraps her arms around me from behind, burring her face in the crook of my neck.

"She left because she thought you're crazy!"

"Sara, haven't you heard? I am crazy! Crazy for you." She mumbles, kissing me softly. The subtle tase of her coffee lingers in my mouth, and I vow not to drink nor eat for the rest of the day. She pulls back from our embrace and smiles. "Now 'Sara Bear', why don't you go shower, and I'll make us dinner?" She winks, I nod and hop off the chair.

I make my way down the hallway. Every wall in Tegan's house was painted a sterrile white, it's furnishings black- aside from the red couch in the living room. It's purpose screamed at me, telling me to keep my insanities in my head. I keep my head down until I reach the bathroom. I turn the shower on, and stare at the mirror as I undress. I cringe as I remove the fabric from my chest, three bones protruded out of my breast, each of my ribs was just _that_ visable. My arms were thin, my legs no better. Breasts I did have were gone, along with my bum. Thin didn't even begin to discribe how I looked. Food, nutriants, liquids. They were the only thing I could control, the only thing I could could stop with out worrying about persistence to start again. I look at my body once more, before my eyes I could see, and almost feel it getting smaller and smaller, as the problems that played in my head got bigger.

My eyes start to sting as I begin to cry.

_"Sara, calm down, she'll hear you."_ I mentally soothe myself.

_"You have to be the stronger one.."_

I look at the mirror once more, my finger begin to move around and fourm shapes and letters. Within momments it's glass surface has become my master peice.

_**Don't move so slow, I can't take it. I've nowhere to go, so move.**_


	9. Alligator

**a/n Hello again! Alright, so I realized how short the passed two chapters were, so I decided to post both at once. So, I hope you enjoy! :)**

* * *

**Tegan**

I look out the window at the setting sun, relaxing at he soft pitter-patter of the shower echoing across the other wise silent house. My mind dances along the summer trees outside. My thoughts keeping me too preoccupied to notice Sara had been the shower for almost an hour now. A childish paranoia creeps up my spine and engulfs my body. Teenage stress often brought long bouts of depression to My Sara- Her fits of war against her self were often fought in the solitude of the shower. The one place in a house of four where she could be alone, and shield the world from the destruction she forced upon herself.

I used this excuse to justify the quick dash I make to the bathroom, my hands frantically clash against the door, I beckon her to let me in.

"Sara? Sara, open the door!"

"I'll be out in a minute!" She calls back quietly.

"Sara darling, let me in." I jiggle the door knob and find it open. I burst through the door.

"Tegan?" She whispers from behind the curtain. I go to open it, when scribbles across the steamy mirror catch my eyes. My lips start to quiver, tears threaten my eyes when I come across the last sentence sprawled the entire length of the glass surface.

"_I CAN'T TAKE IT_."

"Sara!" I rush across the bathroom and pull the white curtain back, tripping over my feet and falling face first into the full tub. I scramble up and look over to her, expecting to find this angle fallen and lost in a dreamless sleep.

But, I find her wide eyed and bashful, protecting the childish smirk threatening her lips; A shaving razor in one hand, and a can of foam in the next, her extremely thin legs covered in the blue mess.

"Fuck..Uhm..Hi." I slip against the porcelain and hit my face against the tub, instantly I push myself up and take off my drenched shirt.

"Do you normally break into the bathroom while women are showering and strip for them? Your nose is bleeding by the way there, love." I step back and put my hand to my nose, I let out a loud groan.

"Fuuccckkkkkk. My life." Sara smiles and stands herself up in the shower.

"Awe, love. Come in and wash up." She says, spreading her arms out towards me. I take comfort in the lack of normality in this scene. I smile and finish undressing, putting my body close to Sara's under the stream of hot water. Sara smiles and wraps her arms around me, touching my legs with the cool gel. Life seemed better now. Life seemed okay. _I_ seemed okay.


	10. Paperback Head

I place my hand on my forehead, rubbing the pulsing pain in my temples. I groan and push myself up, taking notice of the empty bottles of various liquors around and underneath the table I had found myself passed out on. I look across the table and reach for a half empty bottle of whiskey, or would it be half full? Along with that question, am I half drunk, or half sober? I hated this puzzling question. I take a swag and let the empty bottle fall to the ground. Who needed to sober up, when you could just get drunk again? I prop my hand against the kitchen table and try to pull myself up, staggering a few steps before falling over on the empties and breaking them.

"Fuck, pain in my ass. Wait... what?" I shake my head and get up again, letting out an ungodly belch.

_Well aren't you just spectacularly eloquent?_

Okay, Body wanting to sober up 1, Sara wanting to stay drunk 0.

I take baby steps to the living room, falling into the leather sofa. Beside me the phone and answering machine beep and twirl and make whatever other annoying sounds answering machines make. I can only take the noises for a few moments before I make a bear-like groan and walk out to find silence in the Tegan's room. I open the door quietly and smile up on finding my sleeping sister. I crawl into bed and cuddle close, wrapping my left arm around her waist as she pushes her frame into mine.

"Tegan, honey, you awake?"

"Mmm, Sara?" She rolls over, her head finding a perfect spot in my neck. She wraps her bare leg around mine. "What happened last night?"

"I'm not sure, but I'm guessing it was good." I say, running my hand through her chocolate locks.

"Hey, Sara?"

"Yes love?"

"Can you check the answering machine, I think mom called earlier." I scoff.

"I was just out there, you do it." She rolls her eyes and slips out of bed, I smirk at the teasing swing she plays in her hips. I lay back in bed with a sigh, and listen as three messages go by of Emy asking where I was, when I'd be home, and that she loved me. I close my eyes when a familiar drunken slur plays over the tiny speaker.

"Tegan, it's me, where in the world are you? I need you, babe, pick up the phone, I wrote something for you." The air is silent for a few minutes before Lucas begins to talk again. "Fuck it, I'm gonna play it for you anyways." A pretty two cord guitar starts to play faintly from the small speaker, from this point on the potential of a possibly good day has gone through the window. I walk into the living room, blidned by a fit of jealous insanity. I glance over at Tegan, desperately wanting to erase the look of Awe on her face. The only words through the song I can comprehend are "I'm not your boy."

"That motherfucker..." I mumble, Tegan looks at me.

"Oh Sara, don't worry about it. I think it's cute." I scoff and turn against the wall. My mind goes through a panic, I couldn't lose Tegan to him again, even if she wasn't truly mine. I couldn't do this to myself again. It was either I end them, or I end us. I selfishly chose to end them, taking self preservation over the estrange friendship I shared with Lucas.

"I'm going out for a while. I'll be back in a while." She shoots glances of general worry, I see passed her lie.

"Sara, don't start anything we don't want." I smile and go to give her a kiss on the cheek before leaving. I stagger down the quiet Toronto streets, I see few people and felt more confident in my 'hung over and passed out for god knows how long' look. I keep my head held high as I walk up the stone pathway. My hands start to pound on the door, my voice screeching. Coming here while half drunk or half sober, what ever I was, wasn't probably the best idea. But I was never one for Half Drunk/ Half sober rational thinking.

_Body wanting to sober up 2, Sara wanting to stay drunk 0._

The door whips open abruptly. "Holy. Fucking. Hell Sara, why are you so impatient?" Lucas groans, whipping sleep from his eye. His tattooed chest is bare. I felt the need to point out his obviously cold nipples. God I hated half drunk, half sober.

"What the fuck was that?" I scream, ignoring the look of confusion her glares at me.

"...What?" I feel frustration flowing in my stomach.

"Why did you send that song to her?" His eyes widen.

"I sent that?..Oh, fuck.. Did she like it?" I exhale loudly. Keeping my fists clenched at my side.

"Yes, she_ loved_ it." I grumble. He smiles at me and begins to talk about how happy he was she liked it, and how he should call her and sing it to her in person. All the words that he uttered collected in my brain, my temple started to pulsate, and this time it wasn't from the hangover.

"Shut the_ fuck_ up!" I say, left hooking him across the cheek. He falls against the door.

"Sara, what the fuck?" He says, pushing himself up. His hands reach for his cheek. He groans and looks at me with a look intimidation- he strikes back with a sharp back hand. I stumble backwards, rationality flowing back into my mind.

"Oh, fuck."


	11. The Ocean

**Lucas**

I fall beside Sara, uttering more 'sorries' than I meant, or even intended to say. I put my arm around her, feeling the motions of her body with every gasp she took. She turns around with tears pouring down her face, the utter most jealousy fills her hazel eyes.

"How-how do you do it? How do you put up with this, this insanity!" For the first time in the ten years I've known Sara, I had never seen her like this. Her voice had never had such a pathetic and desperate sounding, for lack of a better term, tone. It almost made my heart clench, before me was utter devotion, devotion I don't think i was capable of showing to _anyone_, let alone Tegan. Maybe it was because they were twins, scientifically they were one, Sara really only loved the weaker part of herself. But my mind knew better. Sara had found her soul mate at birth, and she was doing everything to protect that. My arms instinctively fall tightly around her, this.. feeling to soothe her, to take away the problems she felt inside falling over me.

"Sara, I'm so sorry..." She shakes her head and mutters a couple of 'I hate you's'. Her tiny fists collide softly with my bare chest.

"It's not fair, it's not fucking fair!" I grab her wrists and hold them behind her back, she gives in and starts to cry on my shoulder.

"You really love her, don't you?" I had loved Tegan, with all my being. But in front of me, was someone else who did as well. Someone who could possibly love her more than I ever have or will. My feelings for Tegan were an infatuation, but Sara's feelings for her, they weren't like that. They were created from a pure essence of admiration, she was in love with her. They were natural. She didn't have to think why she loved Tegan, or that she even did at all. Tegan was a permanent scar in her brain, something she could never be without. It was never "I think I love her" it was "I love her, I always have." And it's now that this dawns up on me.

"What do we do?" I whisper. She shakes her head and pulls at the grass.

"It's not like either of us will say, 'You love her more, take her.' You know that, I know that. There is no fair distribution of her for both of us. It's either you or I. There's only a terminal solution, one we will probably _never_ have." I sigh at the fact she was right. No matter how much Tegan was to her, my feelings were still what came first. I was selfish in that sense.

"Let me get Neko, and put a shirt on, we'll go for a walk or something and talk about it." I stand up and give her my hand, she takes it and I help her up. We walk to the front door, she brushes past me and lets her self in. She trudges down the hallway to the living room, I continue on to the kitchen, where I pick Neko up from her food bowl. She huffs loudly in my arms, I hold her tight before going up to my bedroom up stairs. I place Neko on my bed and firmly tell her to sit. I take my hair brush and pull it through thick curls. I throw it on the bed beside my dog, Sara looked like she could use it. I next grab two shirts and two sweaters from a neat pile sitting in the laundry basket beside my bed. Sara would probably need these, too, if we were going to walk. I slip on my shirt of the pair and pick the hair brush up off the bed, I walk out of the room, commanding Neko to follow. I find Sara laying on the leather couch, her hands fidgeting with a white piece of paper.

"Here, I brought you these. You looked like you could use it.. What is that?" She shrugs off the paper to me.

"Some girl gave it to Tegan at the bar last night, or the night before, or when ever it was I went. Ask me when I'm not Half Drunk, Half Sober. I took care of her though, so you could probably get more use of it than I." She grins slightly. I take hold of the paper and read the messy scrawl.

"Lindsey, call me sometime Hun. ;)" I read out loud. Sara lifts her shirt up, and I'm sneaking glances. When shes changed, she brushes her hair out and stands up.

"Ready?" I sigh and follow her to the door.

The walk to the coffee house was filled with awkward tension. It was almost an hour before one of us hovered over our coffee and even uttered a sound. Were we too scared to come upon a decision, or did we have a secret love of this game of cat and mouse we constantly played with ourselves? Sara's bottom lip quivered, for awhile my hands shook with anticipation. Secretly we waited for the other to give in, ignoring the voice in the back of our heads telling us it's not gonna happen. It was hard to forget the years we spent in love as teenagers, but it would be harder to forget the emotions we felt now. As my eyes trail to a wall map of Canada, it hits me. The east coast and the west coast are separated by thousands of miles of new cities, old towns and modern industrial forests. Thousands of miles to drift apart from things living on the opposite coast, thousands of miles to drift away from thoughts of her.

To put her out west, and I out east, such an unreasonable thought in my mind, yet it made so much sense. It wasn't giving her up, it was forbidding myself from seeing her. The possibility of banishing my thoughts crept around my head. Was it easy to just let go? I know for the first while I'd go insane with regret, but would that wear off later? I'd gone years without talking to her, yet I seen her everyday, walking Christina to work every morning.

Would content and closure be there if she left?

All of this eats at me. I didn't want Tegan gone, but when I look at Sara and see her sadness in her eyes, I know that it's right to end her suffering.

"What if," I inhale sharply and hunch over the table, "What if, I sent you two out west?" I say softly, keeping my eyes clear of the younger twins look of desperation.

"What do you mean?" I haer her sip her coffee.

"What if you two move. That way, you can love her like she needs to be. And i can love me like I need to be." A soft smile sits on her lips, and tears threaten her hazel eyes.

"Would you _really_ do that, though." Her voice quivers, I nod, only half sure of the promise I was going to make. She weeps in the chair for a few minutes, her hands covering her childish face. I step out of my seat and place my arms around her.

"Thank you, so much.."

**Tegan**

I run my hands down my thighs, intrigued by the ripples and indents along the soft skin. I try to attribute a memory to every scar, but I find my self searching for thoughts by the forth. The front door opens and shuts with a bang, I pull my pj bottoms up quickly and curl up on the couch.

"Sara, love, is that you?" I ask quietly.

"No, it's Emy." Her sing-song voice calls from the kitchen. I grumble to myself. I wasn't up to a visit from Emy, but I suppose this would be a regular occurrence. She walks into the living room doorway.

"Oh, hey," I fake a smile, " I wasn't expecting y-"

"Where's Sara?" She questions me impatiently.

"Your guess is as good as mine." I say with a smile, and in the politest voice I could muster.

"Oh Tegan, you an I both know that's bullshit. She hasn't called in four days. Hell, she hasn't even slept at home for a week. Where is she?" I pull my knees around my chest and sit back on the couch, slightly taken back by Emy's behavior. "Is-Is she cheating on me?" She asks harshly. I put my head between my knees and try to find an answer to her question. I could tell her the truth, that Sara and I were together, but how would one tell their sisters lover they were together? Or I could lie and tell her I didn't know where Sara was, I didn't know if she had another and that Emy wouldn't be welcome in my house any more if she had such accusations of my twin.

I want to lie to her, I'd give anything to lie to her, but my personali-

"Tegan! Is she?" I wanted Emy to leave, I wanted her to fall of the face of the earth so _my_ Sasa could live without the tight boundaries Emy has set for her. She storms into the room, her eyes plead with me to tell her what I know. But I refuse. "She is, isn't she?" I bury my head farther into my knees, Emy shakes me."Tegan, tell me! I know you know!"

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING!" I scream back at her, I fear when the intense shaking of my body stops. Emy's anger radiated off of her. I didn't want to be hurt, under these pretenses, but I knew Emy had reached her breaking point and the sharp slap to the back of my head was the result. For a moment the air is silent, nothing is heard, only awkward tension that makes me raise my head and question if I had just dreamed the past events.

"Emy.. what the _fuck_ are you doing?" Sara's voice shouts from the door.

"Sara I- we-we were just talking." I keep my head down, repressing the sobs against my knees.

"Get away from her." I hear Emy step across the room, I fall from the couch to the ground and run to the comfort of my sisters arms.

"It's you, isn't it?" She questions me from her side of the room.

"Emy, you need to leave." Sara whispers.

Emy inhales deeply, tears filling her chocolate eyes. Every emotion she felt for Sara was being questioned in her head. "Sara, you can't.. No, not with her.." She mumbles to herself. She bites her nails. "I loved you so much.."

"Emy, we need to talk. Now is not the time nor place. Please... leave." Sara says softly, doubt fills her voice. Emy scuffles to the door.

"I love you, Sara..." She opens the door and steps out. "Do you love me?" I longed for Sara to say no. For her lips to form a giant grin and for her to confess to Emy all her feelings of me and that she meant nothing to her or I. I'm disappointed when I look up at Sara and hear her whisper the words "I don't know anymore." The door is shut, and I fall to the ground, beginning to cry. Sara falls behind me, her tiny, frail arms embracing me.

"Do you love me?" I ask softly. She wipes the tears from my eyes and nods.

"With all my heart." And for the first time in almost all my life, I wanted her to ask me the same question back, because I was sure of the answer. And I was sure I could tell the difference between the need I felt for her and the love I did.

_I was sure I loved her with all of my heart, too._


	12. Sentimental Tune

The rest of the day was wasted laying on the couch, flipping through cartoons we'd watch as children. Sara's face twisting into a silly grin when the show presented a joke aimed for a 5 year old would come across the screen. I smile at this immature side of my sister I had almost forgotten. Her warm breath travels down the nape of my neck, sending strange chills down my back. My focus griped souly upon beautiful golden eyes. The slow motion of her chest conned me into a relaxed state- This just _had_ to be what it felt like to be in love.

Sara looks down at me and smiles. "Aren't you enjoying these, Tegs? I can put on something different if you'd like." She asks with a kiss to my forehead. I shrug and place my head back on her chest ad watch the colours float around the TV. How was I to tell her what I felt what real? There was no way she would believe me, I had told her to many times before with uncertainty, how would she ever believe this was sincere? The bigger pictures floated in mind, how could she believe if Emy was still in the picture, surely Sara was keeping her around as a fall back. I knew her too well to know that was true with out even asking.

I close my eyes and think. Everything had a place and time. Certain words and phrases had certain times and under no circumstance should they be said, or even thought outside these periods of time, where they'd prove truly applicable. Telling Sara I loved her, seemed to be one of these phrases. They took time and efforts, months of planning. They had to be right, the moment had to be as perfect as the words them self.

I sigh and look back up at Sara, her eyes flutter as she tries to keep them open. Her chest moves up and down shallowly, I smile and dig my head into the nape of her neck, placing a soft kiss below the ear. She closes her eyes and smiles, as I place a few more in the shape of a heart. "Why, hello." She whispers through her smirk. I roll my body on to hers, sitting neatly between her legs. Her lips form a grin when my finger traces small circles on her hips. She buckles her legs under the ticklish pattern.

"I have to go out tomorrow." I place small kisses on the small of her stomach. She groans before asking why.

"I want to do something special for you." I say, pulling my body up to her face.

"Why? I don't want you to do something special for me." She says with a grin. I raise my eyebrow and smirk.

"Too bad, maybe it's already been done." I bat my eyelashes at her. She grins.

"Uh huh, and what is this something special?" I give her a small nibble to the ear before getting off and walking into the kitchen.

"You'll see." She scoffs and follows me.

"Tell me," she looks at me with childish eyes, just as she used to when we were children. "Tell me Teete, what is it?" I continue through into the hall to my bedroom, I lean against the door frame and shrug.

"I don't know if I should tell you, what do I get if I do?" She smirks as she catches where my little game was heading to. She latches onto my hips and nibbles the sensitive skin of my collar bone.

"Mm, you better tell me." She growls, lifting my legs onto her hips and taking me down, softly to the ground. I smile into our kiss, Sara's soft lips tasted like coffee and sugar, her normal springy scent was doused lightly by a sharp male cologne. Her hands pin my wrists to the ground and she looks down at me with a confident smile. She was such a fucking tease.

"Teeelll mmeee!" She exclaims childishly, placing kisses on my neck.

"It's a secret. You don't get to know." I stick my tongue out at her and push her the ground, taking to the time to gain control.

"No fair, you're _always_ on top." I smirk and begin to kiss her boney neck, her tiny body squirms under me. I smile and trail my way down and plant kisses between the collar of her over sized v-neck. Her hands grasp tightly on the skin of my lower back. Her voice softly humming my name. I grip the hem of the shirt and pull it off of her, exposing her body to the slight chill of the room. My hands feel her thin form, creating a mental image of her body in my head. "Tegan?" She whispers, I look up at her as I place small kisses on her lower stomach. "Be gentle."

* * *

We sit hand in hand on the edge of my bed. Our sticky bodies embraced and glowing through the pale evening light. Sara's hair sits over her face, wet with sweat, her tiny mouth gasps for shallow breaths of air. I smile at her beauty and after glow. Her lips curl into a playful smile, and the urge to confess all me true feelings for her arises. For a moment, I actually contemplate telling her, my mouth even opens, but the only noise to fill the bedroom was the ringing from Sara's cell phone.

Her smile fades into a look of sadness, her glow instantly faded. We both knew who it was.

"What do I do?" She asks timidly, I pull away from her grasp and shrug.

"Answer it.." Her eyes plead silently for me to forgive her, I try to express my face sympathetic.

She dives off the bed and for the pair of pants, sheltering her blue Nokia. Her voice is cold and distant when she answers, assuring me once again her true intention is to be here. "What do you want Emy?" She asks, before slipping into silence for what seems like forever. From the other line Emy pleads to Sara to come home, that she can change, they'll make it through this. My heart wants to break for her, especial since I was the one coming between the two. But at the same time, I'm content with the feeling that soon Sara will be all mine.

"Alright Emy, I'll make you a deal. I'll come over tonight to talk about this. But tonight, and only tonight is the time I'll have this conversation with you. Understood? ... Good. I'll see you in a bit." Sara's eyes fall to her feet. I pull her body into mine, pushing away the brownish blonde locks covering her eyes. "Are-are you sure this is what you want?" I ask quietly, Sara wraps her arms around me and places her lips on mine.

"Five years," She whispers, "five entire years. And I'd give them up for you in a heart beat." I try my hardest to hold back the stinging in my eyes. I grab the sheet and drape it around our naked bodies, fearing the moment Sara pulls away. Her eyes burn at me with a spark I've never seen.

And that's all I needed to know that 'yes' was her answer.

**Sara**

By the time I shower and leave Tegan's house for the flat I share with Emy, the sun had set into it's bed behind the moon. The walk to what would soon be my past home was silent, feeling one thousand times longer then the usual 20 minute travel. I feel trapped in my head, analyzing every word over and over of what I was soon to say. This faux conversation playing on a damned loop in thoughts. I can't bring myself to look at my surroundings, causing my key to miss the lock many times before I gain entrance. I keep trying to convince myself Emy and I would have fallen appart either way. To have love and to be in love were two totally different things. It wasn't fair to keep someone on a rope, to constantly feed them a lie so well constructed they see no flaw within it's structure. This lie that Tegan had some how perfected.

Much like the road, the stairs leading to our top floor loft seemed to go on forever and ever, winding up higher and higher every time I reached a new flight. I soon grow aware of the mental mind fuck and get my thoughts back together, it's not long after this that I reach my door. I twist the knob to find it's unlocked. I feel cold as a breeze of air hits me. Our loft was open space, the only rooms where the lounge space on the second floor, and the tiny master bedroom on the third floor, and even those rooms where just loft space. Every where else was all just one large room. That's why Emy had loved this place so much, there was just so much room for her to think and create.

My eyes study the girl in the window, her face was red, and buried in an over-sized stripped shirt of mine, brown eyes searching the streets for something she knew she wouldn't find. "Emy...?" I whisper, she she answers with eyes I had only seen in movies. Her kind face is long and stained with light mascara. She shakes her head and turns around to properly face me.

"Where's your ring, Sara..?" She whispers, her eyes taking in my face and body. I knew she feared this was the last time she'd see me. I look away ashamed, of all the feelings I felt for Tegan that I should be feeling for her. After all, where had Tegan been these last few years? Who had been my soul provider, the one who never made me work a day in my life: The one who believed I was the only reason she had for existing anymore.

"It's gone.. it has been for awhile." Emy's lip quivers, her tall body softly collapses into a heap on the ground. I look out the window, and follow a shooting start as it moves across the sky. I'm smart enough to know wishing up on it is a lie, but I still find the words in my mind to wish for this to be easier.

"What happened to us, a week ago everything was fine? Now today your telling me to leave your, as far as I was aware, "estranges sister's" house?" I continue to look out the window, I lost every word I planned to say.

"Sara, answer me!" I look at the floor as tears finally begin to fall from our eyes.

"I don't know! It just, it happened." She shakes her head, her fist clasps tightly around the shirt.

"Sara, how do you expect me to believe this? It's been five years, we're married by law. Don't you understand? We've signed civil marriage papers, how can you _not_ love me, you _married _me." She screams, I feel my heart sink into the bottom of my chest. I look at her in wonder.

"She's the kind of girl, when you fall, you fall forever..." I whisper, wiping tears off my face with my sleeves. Emy sighs, her brown eyes falling to the floor.

"Whose she? I swear to god Sara she's nothing I can't be.."

"That may be, but Emy, you could never be my blood." I blurt out, by accident. She looks up at me with a look of shock.

"No, no.. it's not.. please Sara, tell me it's not." My eyes dart out the window again, I keep my mouth shut. "Sara, it's Tegan? Please tell me it's not.." Emy shakes her head and looks up at me, tears still escaping her eyes.

"I'm sorry." Is all I manage to mumble out. She shakes her head, and gives me the utter most look of hurt.

"You know, I thought maybe it was Koti, or one of our friends. But your own sister? Jesus Christ Sara, how could you?" I clench my fist, and try to keep my emotions inside.

"Emy, don't even go there. You don't and could never understand what it's like to fill that void in your heart, because there's no one out there who will ever fill that void in your heart the same." I growl. Her face drops, every emotion of anger in her turns to sadness. I had just broken my wife, and not a thought of remorse flew through me. "I'm sorry, Emy. I didn't mean that.. Let me get my stuff, and I promise you'll never have to see me again." I turn away and head for the stairs, only to be stopped by Emy's grasp around my pant bottom.

"No Sara, I don't want you to go. I know that feeling, the completion of the void. You fill it, you make me whole.." Her eyes plead with mine to stay, and for a moment, I think about it. I think about staying the night, because I know that's what right, and what a proper lady should do. But I also know, that with out love, staying the night was just a selfish act to make me not feel guilty. Tonight I would return home to Tegan, because my love was for her. I breathe in deeply and kneel down before her, my lips softly touch hers for one last time.

"I'm sorry, Emy. I need to do this for me. You'll find someone, I promise." I leave the downstairs area as quickly as I can, my body rushes up the stairs so fast I trip on the last step.

"Fuck." I mumble, picking myself up. The first thing I grab is my acoustic guitar case and an old tattered song book I've had since I was fifteen. These items were all I really wanted, I was sure Tegan would let me have some of her clothes. So all I take is a few tee-shirts and the few pairs of pants I owned. I shove these all in a back-pack and return downstairs. Emy lays in a sprawl on the ground. I bend down beside her and push her long bangs behind her ears.

"I'm going now." She looks up at me with tired eyes.

"Where's the rest of your things?" I shrugs and look back out the window.

"You can have it, I won't be able to take it all." I say quietly.

"Sara, what are we going to do about a divorce? Please, don't leave me. You can see her when ever. Just please, don't leave." She asks me, barely adding audio to the word.

"Emy. I'm sorry, I can't do that to you. I swear, in time it'll get better. You'll meet someone new, and with her, you'll forget all about me." She shakes her head, adverting her eyes from me.

"How could I forget you Sara? You're everything to me."

I make it to the walking bridge a few blocks from Tegan's home, before my emotions prove to be too much and I collapse to the ground. I begin to choke on my tears, and the lie I had lived for the past five years of my life. All the pain, all the regret, all the anguish I felt every time I told Emy I loved her, crashes into my ribs. I can't breathe and I'm scared I'm gonna die, alone, on this bridge where two of the closet people in my life had found beauty in this awful situation. And truth be told, I would rather die than be in this. I didn't want to take Tegan away from Lucas, because I know how much he loves her, and that the feelings will never go away. I don't want to leave Emy, because as much as I'm not in love with her, she's the one whose been there for me for the past five years, she's the one whose been the wife anyone would dream of. I don't want to get close to Tegan again, because I'm scared she'll find someone better than me, and I'll just be a distant memory in her mind.

I look out below me and see the walk way lights dancing in the water, and for a while, I want to dance with them. I could picture it now, the waters cool touch, embracing me in a waltz, as the current pulled the air from the lungs, and sang me into a endless dream. Nothing could be more _beautiful_ than that, _nothing_ could make me happier than that. But I know I can't do that, because I have a responsibility now, so I pick up my guitar case, and the bag of clothes I brought and continue my walk home to Tegan's. Because I know when I get there, her arms will be open, and she'll be waiting for me. These thoughts will be gone, and I'll be telling her of the promise of taking her away from here, to somewhere new, for her and I.

This makes me smile, and by the time I reach her door, the thoughts are gone, and all I can think about is going inside, Picking up Tegan and taking her to our room to make love, again. I open the door and place the case, my close, and the notebook and the floor. I turn around to find Tegan laying on the couch staring at me with a smile as sweet as pie. Two cups of hot chocolate and some movies lay on the table. I smile and run to the couch, taking a leap into my lovers arms. Her arms wrap tightly around me, her soft pajama bottoms rub against my elbows. "I made you hot chocolate, and rented some movies, I hope you like them." I smile and lean back to grab the movies.

"Northshore and Red Belt?" She shrugs, her face forms an innocent grin.

"Northshore's about surfing, and well, you know.." I smile proudly at my older sister and give her a kiss to the cheek before getting up to put the DVD in. I take the remotes from the top of the T.V and hand them to my sister, before curling up beside her and taking a ship of the coco she had made me. I rest my head on the nape of her neck, making sure the warm breaths that left my mouth were deliberate and rightly timed. I knew around the half way point of the movie, is when my sisters interest would start to decline, it was then I would shut the dvd player to hibernate, so the soothing colours would illuminate the living room. And when the mood was right, I would slip my hand around her waste, and kiss her in just the right way to let her know how much I cared. And when we're done, and we lay entwined in a mess of bodies and after glow, I'd let her know of the paradise that waited for us on the West Coast.


	13. Someday

**Tegan**

Sara runs about the room, tidily packing everything she could into four large suit cases. Clothes, CD's, pictures, anything that could fit into the bags. Her steps are bouncy, a childish smile resting on her lips. It had been almost 3 months since I had seen someone this excited to leave from this house. She looks at me as she zips up the bag and places it gently on the bed. She moves out of the room, and comes back a few moments later with her guitar case and an old tattered notebook. She tucks the book into the front pouch of her suitcase, and lays the guitar down beside it.

I rest my head on my hands, and look at the shell of what used to be my bedroom. Soon, nothing here would be ours, these walls where I've spent so many years in torment would be meaningless, a prized possession of someone else. Sara sits beside me, and gives me a soft kiss to the cheek. "We're almost packed." I smile and nod, still looking around the bedroom, which we used to occupy.

"It's hard to believe we're going. It seems like I've lived here for so long." I nod, my eyes trailing out the window into the November scenery. She smiles and wraps an arm around me.

"Cheer up, Lucas said the flat he got us is gorgeous." I shrug, still feeling as if nothing would compare to this house. Despite my past residency here with Christina and Jaqk, Sara and I had also made many wonderful memories. It'd been three months since Sara had told me of our escape that awaited in Vancouver. Tomorrow, at 8 am, we'd board a direct flight, and arrive at our new home by 10, Western Time. At least this is what Sara thought. I clasp the velvet box in my sweater pocket, running my fingers along the velvet edges.

A month ago, I had re-booked our flights with out telling her. Day by day, my feelings for her just kept getting deeper, and by now, I was completely sure of myself, so I exchanged our tickets for a flight to Vancouver, with a three hour delay in Calgary. I had arranged with my mom that we'd be spending the night. IfIi wanted to take her back to the beginning, to show her my feelings, I wanted to do it properly. I then bought tickets for a 10 Am flight the next morning from Calgary to Vancouver. I had planned this out Lucas, he reluctantly gave me the go-ahead.

It was almost impossible keeping Sara out of my carry-on bag, every five minutes she would find an excuse to try to rummage through it. Of course she wouldn't find anything of importance, just a few mix tapes, some candles and other things I had heard her mention she thought were romantic. "What time do we have to go see Lucas at, anyways?" She asks, snapping me out of my thoughts. I shrug.

"5:30?" She sighs and rests her head on her hands.

"I should shower now, if we want to be there on time. Care to join me?" She smirks. I smile and look at her thick, curly hair, her blond streaks were faded and it's natural reddish hue was coming back. She looked adorable as-is.

"Save it for tomorrow, love. And no thanks, I had one this morning." She pouts and stands up.

"Quickly?" I giggle at my sister and decline once again. She smirks and tells me she can't wait 'till tomorrow, before disappearing into the bathroom. I sigh and resume looking about the empty bedroom. I start wonder what it'll be like in Vancouver, will our flat be old and stone, a permanent romantic setting, with high ceilings and dull lights, causing us to light various candles amongst the living room. Or will it be modern and new, with white walls and black framing. One bedroom, and multiple other rooms, a perfect living space for new lovers. I hope that it's neither. I wish it to be a place that has just the right natural light, that only one candle is needed on the nights when we wish to indulge in each other. I picture the walls are made of brick, painted white by a chemical stainer, and that we both share a single bed room at the end of the stairs on the top of our loft, so our presence would be a sweet surprise to each other.

I sigh and dismiss these thoughts, the anticipation would kill me, but I suppose the surprise would be lovely in the end. I lay back in the bed, and look over at the half open flap of Sara's suitcase. The corner of her notebook peaked out, I reach over and pull it out gently. Curiosity had killed the cat, and I had realized it was her song book after flipping through a few pages. My eyes wonder over titles scribbled largely at the top of the page. I laugh at some of her song titles, "Plunk, Hype, I Want To Be Bad." I flip through a a sections untitled So Jealous, it's here I start to notice a change in the words. It seems darker, and I realize the words she had scribbled on the mirror a few months back was also written in here, my heart starts to feel a slight sting. But none of them move me as much as one labeled '**Downtown**.'

Random drawing of various things laid along the margin, buildings covered in side-ways hearts, faces of girls that looked so familiar it had to be no-one other than myself. Behind this all it read "I WON'T TELL ONE SOUL." repeatedly. I move awkwardly in my spot, returning my attention back to the words. It floors me, it wasn't even that long, or in detailed by any means- but Sara's use of diction, it just crushed my heart. I look out the bedroom windows at faint outlines of buildings in the distance. It kills me more to know this wasn't about Emy, and rather about me.

The humming of the shower stops, and I scramble to put the book back into it's place. I wipe the water from my face and resume my position lying on the bed. Sara walks back into the room a few minutes later, her soaked body covered by a thin towel, her lips our spread in a grin. "Five minutes, I promise that's all it'll take." She drops the cloth to the ground, her body glistens in the light. I smile and wrap my arms around her, my shirt sticks to her tummy.

"And I promise, it'll be that much better if we until tomorrow." I growl. She pouts.

"Teeegggaaannn, it's been three weeks. Please?" Her long bangs slop over her face. I give her a kiss on the fore head before heading to the door.

"No sex for you. You can wait." She scowls and sighs, finally giving in.

"Fine." I smile and nod before heading out into the living room, and waiting for my sister to be ready. It's five by the times she's done. She skips into the living room, an over-sized Rentals shirt hanging off her shoulders. Her hazel eyes are wrapped with a light brown hint, she looked like an angel. "Ready?" She yawns and leans against the door way. I nod and follow her to the door, slipping on my shoes before locking up for the night. Lucas would be coming home with us tonight to drive us to the airport in the morning, seeing both of us had no idea on how to operate a car.

The air was cool, and tiny snow flakes fluttered to the ground. Street lights lit the dark road, bare tree branches twist and turn, their surface covered by the angel dust. Sara's face is bright, she loves the weather. It doesn't take us long to get to his house. Sara rushes up the stone walk way. Her fingers pressing the door bell multiple times. Lucas opens the door with an excited "Hello!" He smiles and invites us in, dull music floats down the hall to the living room. I smile at how beautiful his house is. He takes our jackets and tells us supper will be ready in an hour or so. I take Sara's hand in mine, and we continue down the hall to living room.

Sara smiles in surprise at the short, black haired girl sitting on the couch. We both look to Lucas, his pale cheeks are rosy and blushed. "Oh, this is Lindsey..." She smiles and stands up to greet us. Sara shakes her hand.

"Awe, hello, I'm Sara, this is Tegan. Your one lucky girl to have someone like Lucas." Sara says with a wink. Lindsey laughs and looks at Lucas.

"Oh no, we're just good friends." Sara's face drops, the air goes silent and all eyes are on Lucas. He clasps his fists tight together, the look on his face tells me he's been chasing her. I raise my eyebrow.

"Ah, well Lucas has been known to change that." I smirk, Sara covers her face up with a plastered smile. Lindsey shakes her head.

"No, I've tried a lesbian relationship, I wasn't feeling it. I assure you, Lucas and I are only good friends." I almost choke, this girl was a moron.

"Okay, I'm going to finish supper! Why don't you three get to know each other." He says, storming off into the kitchen. Sara nods and sits beside Lindsey on the couch. The two start to chat away.

"I'm going to help Lucas, or something.. I'll see you two in a bit." I say, jolting off to the kitchen. I open the door and find Lucas leaning against the stove, his eyes look at the floor, his curly hair hangs over his eyes.

"Please tell me you're not falling for that?" I say, taking a stance beside him. He looks up at me and shrugs.

"No, maybe. I don't know." He looks at the tiles on the floor again, his teeth fiddle with his bottom lip. "I just, I need somebody for when your gone, I don't want to be alone." I tilt my head, and look at the sadness in his eyes.

"Lucas, she's straight, for gods sake she thinks your a woman!" I whisper harshly at him. He lets breath escape from his lips, before turning back towards me.

"It's better than nothing, isn't it?" I shake my head.

"How is chasing something that doesn't want you better than nothing?" I ask, leaning against the fridge. He smirks and shakes his head.

"Why don't you ask Sara? She'd give you the same answer as I would, but I'm sure she'd be more willing to discuss it." I stand dumb founded, my thoughts pour from my head, I can't even remember how to speak. He sighs. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. Look Tegan, I don't want to fight with you before you go. I like her, and I'm gonna fight for her, end of story." I'm still not sure what I should say, so I chose to say sorry, in return. I then tell him my plans of tomorrow, and the certainty of my feelings towards Sara. He smiles and tells me he's proud of me, and glad that I can finally appreciate the value of someone, as they appreciate the value of me. I give him a hug that seems to last forever. My heart flutters, and the realization that I'm about to leave my best friend sets in my brain.

"Thank you so much for everything. I don't know what I'm going to do with out you." He lets go of me and smiles.

"You'll be fine, I'm sure Sara's going to take wonderful care of you." I smile and feel the velvet box still in my pocket.

"I do, too. I hope it works out in the end with you and Lindsey, she's an idiot if she doesn't fall for you." He shrugs.

"Even if I did tell her I'm not really a woman anymore, and that I never was, it wouldn't make a difference." I pat him on the shoulder before leaving.

"Oh, I think it would Lucas, I really do." Lucas returns to making super, and I join the two girls in the living room once again. I take a seat across from them and flip through a magazine, Lindsey looks at me and smiles. I look up and smile back.

"So are you two girlfriends or something?" I smirk, my twin's face is much the same.

"You could say that. Most tend to think we're twins." I giggle.

"Yeah, we look alike, I don't see it. She's American." Sara has to bite her lip to keep in her laughter.

"Oh, I totally see it! I'm American, too! Where you from?" At this point, I'm about to bash my face against the wall at this girls lack of intelligence. Sara sighs and looks for a random place in her head.

"Weed, California." I have to put my hand to my mouth, so I'm not to burst out laughing.

"Oh, no way! I have Family up in Fresno! I'm from Los Angeles, we should totally go together sometime." She says with a smile. Sara smiles and nods.

"That would be lovely." Lucas walks in the room a few minutes later and takes a seat beside me.

"Lucas, you never told me Sara was from Weed." Lindsey says, with a smirk. Lucas raises his eye brown at our grin.

"I never knew, I guess. Hahaha..." We spend the rest of the time talking about random topics, Lindsey wasn't the brightest, but her intentions were good, and I tired my best to voice how good Lucas would be to her, without actually saying it. We talk until Lucas announces it's supper, he leads us to the dinning room, where plates, cutlery and wine glasses await us. Sara looks at him and smiles, picking up the bottle from the head of the table and taking it to her seat. "Lucas, you know me to well." He smiles before heading into the kitchen, and coming back with a large bowl of pasta and a cooked chicken on a silver platter.

"Wow, Chicken, so much for Mr. Vegan." I say with a smirk. He mocks my laugh.

"You're funny. Shut up and eat." He places the food in front of Lindsey first, I smile at his chivalry towards her. The night had gone wonderful, by 9, we had gotten Lucas and Lindsey into the same sqaure on his couch, his hand rested over the top, slowly moving towards her shoulder. Sara's head rests on my shoulder, her eyes struggling to stay open. Lucas takes notice to our lack of energy, and decides to end the night.

"Lindsey, would like us to walk you home?" She smiles and nods.

"No, it's fine, I'll take a bus up to Queens street, and walk the rest of the way. Thanks for the lovely evening, it was nice meeting another American up here." Lindsey says, giving us each a hug. "I'll be sure to keep in touch with you." She's the first one to leave the door, followed by Sara, Lucas then I. Lindsey heads to her bus stop, in the opposite direction us, Lucas' head is turned around until we reach a left turn. I smile and playfully nudge him in the arm. His face turns pink when he looks up at me. "Just go for it." I mumble. Sara looks over at Lucas.

"Hm, Lucas likes Lindsey? She's a little... dumb for you. In my honest opinion." I nudge Sara on the arm.

"Hush, you." Lucas sighs, and lets his shoulders slouch. "Eh. I know she's not the brightest at somethings, but she's brilliant at others. Like photography. And come on, you have to admit her absence of knowledge on the topic is rather cute."

"If you're into dating five year old's." Sara says with a smirk. I roll my eyes and lace my fingers with Sara's.

"Well, Lucas, _i'm_ happy that you've found a girl. Even if you have to chase her." I say with a wink. I look at Sara, she glares at me with bright eyes. I let breath escape through my lips, causing an icy fog to form in her face. I truly loved winter. It's not long before we arrive home. We take a few minutes to make a bed for Lucas on the couch, before changing into our night wear, and falling asleep ourselves.

**Sara**

I throw the sheets over my head as the alarm blares from across the bed. Tegan mumbles a bit, before shuffling over and shutting it off. I close my eyes, and smile when she wraps her arms around my waste. "Today's the day Sara, we're off to our paradise." I turn around and kiss her cheek.

"What do you think it's going to be like? I mean, we don't know _s single person_ there, we don't know how to get anywhere, how are we going to manage?" I whisper, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I had never given this much thought, it annoys me the morning we're bound to leave, I find the flaws in this plan.

"Map quest?" She smirks. I roll my eyes and slap her chest playfully.

"I'm being serious, Tegan. Why didn't we think of this?" She giggles.

"I'm serious, too. You're gonna get lost, and call me, and all I'm going to say is 'Should've said Map quest." I sigh, and take my sisters point that we'd be just fine, after all, we had just turned 23, and it was half expected we ventured into the world alone. We give each other a sweet kiss before leaving our bed, arriving in the kitchen to find lucas reading a news paper, three cups of coffee sitting at the table.

"Good morning you two, I loaded the truck up already. I hope you don't mind." I sit at the table, and take the cup in my hands.

"Not at all, thank you!" He nods and continues reading the paper. Tegan walks over to window and peaks outside, her lips curve into a child-like smile.

"I wonder if there's snow in Vancouver." Lucas shrugs and takes a sip of his coffee.

"Your new land lord said he would shovel your balcony, if there was snow on it. So I'm assuming." I run my hand through my hair and pull it back from my eyes. I study the large kitchen, and place a new memory to each place I could. I tone myself out from the conversation Lucas and Tegan have beside me, my heart starts to race. This was it, the next hour and a half was the last time she would be having a person to person conversation with Lucas, the next time they'd be charged to talk by long distance fees. This was unsettling, and breath taking at the same time. We'd be alone, it would truly be Tegan and I. I wouldn't have to worry about losing her to Lucas, because there would be no Lucas out in Vancouver, there wouldn't be no anyone. This idea makes me want to vomit with happiness. There wouldn't be anyone for Tegan to 'fall for', no one to take her away from me. It would be our fairytale, and no one elses.

It takes a small shake from Tegan, to pull me out of this fantasy. I look up to find her face paled with the rising sun's light. Her chocolate eyes twinkle. "We have to get ready now, love." She says with a smile. I follow her to the bathroom in a daze. My eyes watch her body, as we undress and climb into the shower. Tegan takes heed of my behavior and smirks.

"What? I told you, you have to wait." I shake my head.

"That's not it, we're finally going to be alone. Just the two of us." Tegan shakes her head, wet hair falls over face, she brushes it back abruptly.

"...Yeah?" She says, turning the taps off and pulling back the curtain.

"Well, I'm excited about this." Tegan smiles and pulls my damp body next to hers.

"So am I."

The next hour is a blur. We stuffed whatever little belongings into our carry-on's. Lucas rushed us to the airport, it took two of the trolleys the hull all our luggage to the belt to be loaded on the plane. We then leave to the terminal or flight was boarding at.

"I thought we were taking Air Canada?" I say, looking out the window at the West jet air plane re-fuels outside. Tegan and Lucas both shake they're head and look at me.

"No, we're taking West Jet, it's cheaper. There's a three hour delay in Calgary, but it's $250 a ticket, opposed to $400." Tegan mumbles, tripping over her words. I raise my eyebrow in suspicion.

"Don't give her that look, she's not lying." Lucas says with a grin. We take a seat near the desk, we learned when moving here, being in the back on the line for the plane was the shit. Tegan's hand rummage through her pockets, her eyes open wide. Quickly she opens her back-pack and looks through.

"Thank god, I thought I lost it." She says, with a slight hint of post-panic in her voice.

"What is it?" She pulls out her disc-man and grins. Lucas pats Tegan on her back.

"Oh Tegs." He looks at his feet, his hands dance with each other. The P.A informs us our plane is now boarding.

"I guess this is it."

"I know... This is so-"

"Awkward?" Tegan finishes my sentence, making Lucas laugh slightly. He stands up, and motions for us to follow.

"I guess this is goodbye." He pulls us both into a hug, our arms clasp around him, our voices murmuring thanks yous for everything he's ever done. He smiles and gives us a kiss on the fore head.

"Your welcome, and if you ever need anything, just let me know, okay?" We nod, and hug him one last time, before picking up our back packs, locking hands and giving the lady at the gates our tickets.

"Lucas, go for Lindsey, I know you won't regret it!" Tegan yells, before we loose his image in the crowd. Sara looks at me, her chest is breathless as we enter the doors into the large aircraft. We take our seats, and wait for take-off. Both of us didn't say anything until we reached Calgary. For a while I was sure this was a dream, the clouds outside were fake, the angel beside me a lie. I pray to whatever it was that was in the sky with us to stop this dream, because I know when I wake up, Christina will be right beside Tegan, her self-righteous smirk, beaming down at me and I'll be back with Emy, making a life for ourselves. I don't think I could handle that, I think seeing the happiest moment in my life, turning out to be a dream would kill me. It takes the turbulence on landing to pull me of this trance, and realize this was life, this moment was real. The plane lands, and we're told we can wonder the airport until 12. Tegan gives me my carry-on bag before taking me a on a wild goose hunt around the airport.

"Tegan, where are we going?" I asks, gasping for a breath. She pulls me outside. Before us, a man holds a sign in front of a black cab.

"The Quins...? Tegan, what do you have planned?" She smiles and pulls me to the cab, showing the driver her ID, before climbing into the back seat with me.

"Sara, we're not going to Vancouver tonight." I looks at me, cocking my head to the left.

"What? What about all of our shit on the air plane?" I'm feeling slightly aggravated.

"Lucas is having some friends pick it up for us. Don't be mad Sara, I have a special night planned for you." I watch her, as we drive through Calgary's downtown district, and stop at a hotel.

"What is it, Tegan?"

"That's for me to know, and you find out. Take your bags, give them your ID and tell them you're checking in. I'll be back to get you around 9." I look at her.

"Tegan, what are you doing?" She smiles, and I know she's trying to charm me, but I couldn't figure out why she would do it in Calgary, of all places.

"Trust me. I love you, and I'll be back for you in a bit." I take the bags and step out of the car, my heart melts, and my mind runs an endless track. It'd been months since Tegan had said she loved me. I start to giggle and squeal, this odd sense coming over my body. Happiness. I rush inside and check in, the room is on the top floor, it wasn't too fancy, but I knew Tegan had probably spent a deal of money. The view was breath taking, and when I focused hard enough, I could see the outline of my mothers street. I smile, and waltz to the bed, falling backwards into the mess of pillows and blankets. I look at the digital clock, 12:30 pm, Thursday, November 22nd 2002. Days usually meant nothing, they were nothing more then a unit of time, and something of elementary skill to know. But this day, this was one that would stick with me forever.

I close my eyes, day dreams of what Tegan was to do tonight swept my mind. Would she take me for dinner? Or a romantic walk downtown? My heart races with anticipation, every time I think of Tegan's name, chills go down my spine. I lay in bed for an hour, drifting in and out of sleep. I try killing time watching TV, but nothing captures my interest. So I pull a chair up to the window, and take a seat. I study the city below, whether it was the clouds in the sky, people walking on the sidewalk, or lights switching on and off in adjacent buildings, I watch it. And I sit here, until a soft taping is heard from the door, and Tegan enters my room dressed to the nines. Her choppy hair is left in spirals, her eyes are in-cased by a smokey brown. My heart swoons.

She grabs my hand, but says nothing to me. Her hands are warm, her thick thumb ring digs into my skin. She leads me outside to the lobby. A fancy black car waits, she opens the back door and motions for me to get in.

"Tegan, what is this?" She just smiles, and motions again. I climb in and take a seat, she follows behind me.

"Back to the house, please." She says softly to the driver, her nods his head and turns into the left side lane. Tegan looks out the window, her made up eyes flutter.

"Can you tell what's happening, now?" I whisper, She shakes her head.

"It's a secret. Like I said earlier, it's for me to know and you to find out." She wraps her arm around me, I rest my head on her shoulder, my thoughts racing when the car stops outside or childhood home.

"You took me to visit mom? That's romantic.." I say, pulling away from my sister as she steps out of the car. I'm disappointed.

"Can you shush and wait until we're inside?" She takes my hand, and pulls me to the front step. Her hand reaches into her pocket, and she takes a key out. Unlocking the door, she leads me upstairs. I look around our old house, I hadn't been here since I was 19. Tegan stops me at her door, and pulls out a red cloth her pocket.

"I know how much you liked Red Belt, and I needed a blindfold, so you know." She whispers, trying it around my eyes. I smile, wider than I think I ever had before. She takes my hand, and leads me into her bedroom. Around me I could smell cinnamon, the soft humming of Tegan's favourite love songs plays around. She helps me sit down on the bed.

"Sara, your probably wondering why I brought you here." I nod.

"Uh, yeah?" I hear her sigh.

"Sara. You are my world. Without you, I'd be dead by now. I just, you need to know. Take off the blind fold." And before me, stands my older twin sister, perched on one knee. A black velvet box sits in the palm of her hand.


	14. I Was Married

**Tegan**

I look up at Sara, my face set with an awkward smile. "I didn't know how to tell you, so I thought I'd tell you, the way you told me..." I whisper and open the box, exposing the diamond studded band. Her eyes widen, tears spill from the bright hazel orbs.

"Tegan, it's beautiful, I-I, how did you, oh my god.." She whispers, her eyes beam dark green up on a picture of us as teenagers. I smile at how happy the previously bleach blond looked as she hugged the brunette. Those girls were two different people, so different from the people we had become. I know in my heart, had I been as mature with my emotions as Sara was then, this night would have happened long ago. I look back up at her now, with the confidence I lacked back then. I stand up and take her hand, with the tenderness she had taught me, and slip the ring onto her finger. I didn't need to hear her words, to know it was a yes, the look in her eyes told me everything.

A catchy tune starts to play in the background, Sara's face turns a bright pink, her lips curve into a sweet smile. "So you really do listen to me, when I tell you what songs I find romantic." I nod and take a hold of her hand, we gently fall to the bed.

"Sara. I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am for eveything. I put you through hell and back, twice. And yet, you're _still_ here for me. I know I can never love you the way you love me, but I promise you, I will and do love you in a different way than I have anybody else." I embrace her warm body, taking careful notice how well we fit together. Like two adjoining pieces of a puzzle, we entwined perfectly.

"Tegan, I-I, this is all so amazing," she wipes the tears from her face, "But how do I know you'll feel the same in a year; in-in a month, for that fact? You have to understand where I'm coming from.." I smile and pull up the right sleeve of my shirt, her eyes dance around the bright colored picture. A brown tree curves around a gradient green background- two names are etched brilliantly into the bark. In an instant, I'm lying on my back, her tiny frame straddles on top of me. Her lips collide with mine, and for a moment, I'm sure time has stopped at this image of perfection. Reluctantly, she pulls back from my lips. She quiver, her eyes burning with intrigue. "But Tegan, how could we ever marry? You're my twin, it's not like we're two strangers. Hell, same-sex marriage isn't even legal.." I smile down on Sara, pushing her long bangs from her eyes.

"Silly girl. I'm aware of this, still, I'd go to _any_ lengths to have you as my wife. I just needed you to know that." I pull her face close to mine, our noses barely touch. Her tears lightly fall on my nose, I smile and dry my sister's eyes.

"I love you, Teetee." She whispers into my ear. I close the bridge between us with a kiss.

"I love you, too, Sasa." Her lips are soft, her tongue brushes against my lips, fighting for dominance. I feel relaxed, and completely at home in her arms. She tumbles over and falls under my body, I hold her up in a tight embrace.

"Tonight, I want to make you feel beautiful." Her eyes are bright in the candles glow, her pale cheeks stained a lovely pink. We sit, perched on our knees. I look at her in awe, I take in every feature of her face. The birth mark below her lip, the subtle change in her skin tone around her eyes, the way her lips perfectly curled. Everything. She smiles, her eyes filling with tears once again. Her hands grasp tightly at my shirt. I lace them in mine, and push her back gently. We tumble into a heap, or bodies entwined in a sweet kiss. Her hands take hold of my hips, her fingers brush light against my skin. She holds onto me tightly, her lips not daring to let go of mine. I place a hand on her stomach, unbuttoning her flannel shirt slowly. It opens to expose her pixie-toned chest, I run my hands over her predominant breast plate. I straddle myself on my knees, and hold her breast's, the coolness of my touch causes her to let out a soft groan.

I smile, and place soft kisses around the area my hands just occupied. I use one hand to unbutton her jeans and the other to pull them down, a trick Christina had taught me on our first encounter. My body follows my arm in one smooth motion, as I pull off her flared pants. Black boy shorts hang loosely off her hips. "Jesus Christ Sara, can you not afford underwear that fit?" I boast, pulling them off effortlessly. I trail back up, and un-clip the front of Sara's bra, softly I hold her up, and take away the cloth covering her torso. I lay her back down, and begin to kiss along her collar bones, her hands lace into my hair. "Tegan.." She whispers softly, I smirk into her skin and start to begin a long line of kisses down to her lower tummy. My arms hook under her thighs, I place her legs over my shoulders.

"Close your eyes." I whisper, darting my tongue against the sensitive tissue. The tangy taste makes my lips tingle and numb, I hold tight to her legs to stop her hips from buckling with every every smooth stroke I take at her clit. Her lips mumble soft praises. I smile and go a little faster, earning a peculiar high moan from my sister. I smile and sit up again letting her legs slide from shoulders. I lick my index and my middle finger, and slowly slide it in her. I set a slow motion, every movement into her was a tease. She whispers that she wants it hard, and fast, I respond with a smirk and a deep thrust. Her back arches slightly, her lips quiver and admit queer noises.

"Tegan," She whispers harshly at me, I twirl my fingers around inside of her, forcing them against the rough tissue on the upper wall. I smirk at the scrunched expression on Sara's face, my fingers continue to stroke this spot. Soon her backs bounces into the air, all air in her lungs in expelled through her lips. I smirk and begin to thrust into her, with a fast and hard motion. Her hands grasp out the drenched sheets below, her voice sings my name. An awkward sensations swirls around my fingers tips, I pull them out to allow the fluid to drain on the bed.

I fall beside her and lick the juice from my fingers. My eyes study her scrunched expression. Her breaths are rough, her chest rises and falls in an off pattern. "Tegan.." she whispers. I smile and kiss her forehead. Her body rolls over into my arms, our lips softly touching.

**Sara**

I wake up the next morning to the sound of Tegan's voice. "Sar-bear, it's time to get up." She hums. I smile and stretch out my legs, my toes still tingle, my inner thighs stick to the sheet. I look up at my sister in awe.

"Last night, it was amazing." I wrap my arms around her, she lifts me up.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now get yourself dressed, mom's made us breakfast." Tegan hands me an old shirt and pants from a drawer, before leaving the room. I fall back on the bed and smiling, inhaling the old scent of my sisters clothes. I hadn't really have been engaged before, after 6 months of living with Emy, we decided to get a civil marriage. There was no in between, just girlfriend status, and married. Before and after. It was just the easiest way. It excited me to have this the proper way, of coarse I'd never be able to marry Tegan, but I could always pretend. And this is what excited me. I didn't have to pretend it was alright now, because it was alright. I could make believe the silly, childish things now. Like Tegan and I marring, and moving into an old mansion.

Or us having children. Everything had a bright outlook now, and it was the best feeling in the world. I slip into the old concert shirt, and sweat pants and look around Tegan's old room. Everything was just as she had left it.

I walk over to the white dresser, my eyes scanning over old picture frames. I pick up a gold frame, the picture inside shows two long haired girls. They're lips rested on the cheeks of a curly haired girl, previously known as Lilia. They're eyes gaze at each other, painting the picture with a different meaning. I grin at how naive everyone had been to us. I take three of the pictures from the dresser, and shove them into Tegan's backpack on the floor, before leaving the bedroom. My eyes look at our graduation photos hanging over the banister, I almost trip the down the stairs.

"Fuck me." I mumble walking into the kitchen and finding Tegan pressed up against the cupboards, her face is spread with surprise.

"Honestly, Tegan. I give you the house for the night, to come home and hear you and some girl? I know you have a lot of old girlfriends here, but could you not have brought them back to the hotel, and have Sara sleep here? Or better yet, couldn't _I_ have visited?" Tegan gulps.

"Uh, I'm sorry.." She mumbles. I smirk.

"Bluffing with the muffin last night, Teetee?" I smirk, rubbing sleep from my eyes. Mom turns back at me and smiles widely.

"Sara!" She rises from her seat and wraps her arms around me. I hug her back. "Tegan didn't tell me you arrived here alright, then again, with all that god-aweful racket she was making she probably didn't know herself." I smirk and decide to play along with this.

"I heard it too, mom. It was horrible, I didn't sleep _all night_. Thanks asshole." Tegan frowns, and pushes her hair from her face.

"You're just mad I get the ladies, and you get nothing." She says triumphantly. Mom shoots Tegan a look of daggers.

"At least I have a wife." I mumble. She sticks her tongue out at me, and Mom almost believes our act of charades. Our mother looks at me with eyes of shock.

"Wife, I thought you were just together, Sara!" She takes a hold of my hand, and looks at the diamond band. Her lips fall open.

"Emy gave you _this_? She does a lot for you, but I honestly never expected that." I look at Tegan, she bites on her lip, trying not to lash out that Emy was gone, and the past three months were a lie.

"What can I say, she's full of surprises.." I whisper. Mom wraps an arm around me, and leads me to the kitchen table. A plate of eggs and bacon waits for me. I look at my twin, she sits silent, the last part of our lie playing heavily on her mind.

"Tegan, come sit and eat." I say, with a smile. She nods and pulls the seat out beside me and sits down. The rest of the morning was spent in awkward silence, mom made idle conversation, but it wasn't something I took interest in. I look out the window a I dressed, taking in the city I once used to inhabit. The house hadn't changed a bit. From the old hardwood floors, to the tacky tapistry in the living room. This house was a tomb. It was hard to say good bye to Mom. It had been almost a year since the last time I had seen- and this was _anything_ but a proper visit. So with tear's in our eyes we say good bye with promise we'd be back sometime in the early New Year.

It was 10:50 when we finally arrived at the airport, our hearts raced in fear we'd miss our flight. We ran through the terminal, throwing our tickets at the woman at the counter. "You two better hurry up before departure! Have a nice flight." She says, dismissing us. Tegan throws her carry on around her back and grabs my hand, pulling me swiftly through the few stray people in line waiting to board. "Come on, come on." She whispers, tapping her toe.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" She looks at me, with the kindest smile in years.

"Because I've never been so excited about a new beginning."


	15. Relief Next To Me

_I look at the white walls of what used to be a living room. Silhouettes of dust fill the voids in the areas that furniture used to occupy, it feels so strange to be here once again. An emptiness eats away at my stomach, I call out to Tegan just to be greeted by a thousand hello's. I can't tell if this is a horrible nightmare, or the plane has crashed and I'm wallowing in the halls of hell. Around me one thousand empty stares burn into my being, I beckon for her once again. This place was cold, a tundra in it's own right.I watch the way our apparitions dance around the room, amazed by the beauty that radiates off of their beings. Two girls waltz their way in front of me, and I whisper out Tegan's name, the sound of my voice causes the ghosts to disappear and reappear as apparitions of various memories through out the room. I watch the film noir of our memories, looking behind me to see the two naive teenagers lay in bed, sharing an intimate moment for the first time. They're shy-hands explore each other, hoping to burn forms into their memories for ever. I smile as the younger version of myself, brushes long wavy hair from Tegan's perspiring forehead, and tears fall from her eyes and land on her lover;s nose._

_My eyes travel all over the four walls, each exposing myself to a beautiful moment in time. All is silent, except for a faint tune. Through tears, I can hear a heroine singing her lover to sleep. My vision blurs to a tiny room I've never seen before. On the ground, our bodies lay in a tangled mess. My head rests on Tegan's chest, as she softly hums me to sleep. A smile creeps around my lips, I close my eyes and take in her angelic voice. **I don't need air, I don't need to breathe. I don't need rest, cause I don't have time to sleep..**_

_I feel an intense attraction to them, their translucent bodies radiate heat in my core. I'm enthralled by this beauty before me, I long for the moment to be tangible, something real, and not an apparition before my eyes. I feel my hands out stretch, I long for Tegan to hold me in her arms, and whisper me sweet-nothings. _

**_Cause I've got you, and you've got me. Yeah, I've got you, and you've got me. And that's all you ne- crash._**

_ I feel my body thrown across the room, a dull pain aches in my right temple. I hear heavy weeping around me, the nauseating smell of fuel fills my senses. Around me, white fires burns, grainy images of Tegan lying face down on a side walk fill my horizon, her body moves slightly, a pool of static forms from under her, a river starts to pour, I rush to the other side of the room before it touches me. In front me was a destruction I've never seen before. Tegan lays dead on the road, her tiny body gashed from the violence of impact. I find myself dead in the back seat, a street sign impaled between my breasts. I feel a twirl in my stomach, before tears start to bu-_

"Sara. Sara honey, Wakey, wakey. We're here." I feel a slight tap to my shoulder. My eyes flash open, the light peering through the passenger window blurs my sight.

"Tegan, you're okay!" I wrap my arms tightly around her neck, feeling the uttermost relief to find my beauty supreme staring back at me with eyes full of life. She laughs to herself.

"Of coarse I am, why wouldn't I be?" I pull back and shrug, glad that it was only a nightmare.

"I don't know, just imagining things." She smiles and pulls our carry on's from the compartment above us, she hands my my little red backpack. I stretch out quickly before following my sisters off the air plane and through the terminal to the storm awaiting outside. Tegan looks at me with a smile, brushing my bangs out my face. Wind whips around us, blowing a mix of snow and sleet into our frames. Her hands lace in mine, her words dull out the sound of departing airplanes above us. I can't seem to get rid of the foolish grin on my lips, the Vancouver air seemed to make me silly. I close my eyes is disbelief. Our new life was about to begin. Here we were, in a brand new city, far away from the lives we had built in Toronto. Somewhere admits the bustle of that city, Emy would be at her studio, painting away her sorrows, Christina would most likely be at a "friends" house, trying to pawn her son off to another stranger.

But this doesn't bother me, because they're the past, and right now, as we stand out side the main terminal, we were the present. All we had to look forward to was the future. None of them matter anymore. Tegan whispers a soft "I Love You" in my ear, before connecting the gap between our lips. A few people give us distasteful looks, but it doesn't matter. She pulls back and smiles. Her hands dig into her pocket and pull out a printed piece of paper. "What is that?" I ask, putting my carry on over my shoulders. My body starts to chill from the rain.

"Map Quest directions." She says with a smirk. I brush her arm slightly. She frowns. "We have quite the walk, it's really too bad it's raining." I shrugs and lace my fingers in hers. Giving her a soft kiss on her frozen cheek.

"At least you don't have to do it alone."

It takes us three hours to find our Gas town apartment. By the time we reach the front door, our hair has frozen from the rain, or coats are soaked and anything in our bags is ruined. It didn't matter, disc men and clothes were cheap, and could be bought again. My eyes take in our apartment, breath ceases to fall from my mouth. It was beautiful, a large bi-level loft, much larger than the hardstyle one Emy and I had shared. A large window lets the moons glow into our home, it radiates off the cream walls, and paints Tegan's cheeks a vivid shade of white. In the corner, beside a black suede couch, sits 8 large suitcases. A trail of rose peddles leaves from our feet and up the winding stairs. I smile and remove my coat, hanging it on a tiny hook beside the door. Tegan's arms wrap around me, pulling me slowly along the river of roses.

Her lips leave sweet touches in the crook of my neck. "We're finally alone Sar-bear." Her arms bend under my knees, and I'm lifted into the air. She carries me up the stairs, unaware of the blushed pink the paints my cheeks. She leans me against the wall, planting kisses along my collar bone. Her hands squeeze tightly at all the right places on my thighs. I squirm in her ecstasy. Her left hand unhooks my jeans, before sliding in. I gasp at her cold touch. She smirks and giggles before ripping her hand from my pants. She lowers me on a tall bed next to black suitcase. A single rose and a bright pink envelope sit a-top of it.

"What's this?" Tegan asks, removing a letter from inside the envelope. She laughs. I raise my eyebrow and snatch the letter away from my sister, and begin to read it out loud.

"Hello, ladies. I'm taking you got there well? While you two were sleeping, I took the liberty of adding an extra suitcase to your luggage. Tegan told me of her plans, and well, I couldn't let you two get to Vancouver with out a little going away/getting engaged present, now could I? Anyways, I hope you like it. And don't forget to call me and tell me how it goes, for Christ's sake. Love, Lucas."

We both share a glance, before pouncing on the bag to find out it's contents. "I wanna do it!" Tegan says, grabbing the zipper from my hand.

"Are you five? It's a bag, plus, I had it first, so I should get to open it." Tegan grins at me, and pulls the zipper around the case. "Fuck you." I pout. Our eyes look down in to the bags, my hands reach in, and pull out a pair of handcuffs.

"Oh Lucas, you are one fucking genius." Tegan jokes, pulling out edible underwear, something I knew she'd grown to love.

"He bought us a bag of fucking sex toys?"

"I think the correct way to say that would be 'He bought us a bag of sex toys, to fuck with." Tegan says, already starting to nibble on the candies. I smirk, and pull it from her lips, replacing it with a kiss.

I push her onto the bed, her arms wrap tightly around my waste. My hands run over her body, ripping open her button up blouse and throwing it the ground. "Mm, someones impatient." She smirks. I lean behind me and grab hold of the whip, cracking it against her thigh.

"What the fuck!" She says, pushing her self up. I smile and point the tip of the whip on her chest, pushing her back to the bed.

"Nu-uh. I wanna have my fun with this."

"Well I don't. Can't we have normal sex? You know, fingers and tongues? Not whips and chains, and what ever the fuck that is.. Oh my god, I can't even have this discussion. It's so awkward. No, _just no._" Her eyes trail to a bright red leather mask. I smile and pick up the handcuffs beside our legs.

"Give me your hands." She scoffs.

"Sara, please, can't we watch a movie or something?"

"What's wrong Teegles, you don't want to try something new?" She frowns and reluctantly gives me her wrists.

"No, not really. I'm quite satisfied with being plain and normal. You hear that Sara? _Normal_." A smirk curves my lips.

"Hah. You normal? I don't think so."

"You're delusional. I don't want to be tied up. Please, can't we do this some other time? I'm tired." I shrug and shake my head.

"I'm the one with the whip, you're the one tied up. Your opinion doesn't matter." She glares at me before rolling her eyes and giving in.

"Fine, but if you come near me with that fucking whip, again, I will pull your fucking hair out Sara, I swear to god." I frown at my Tegan's lack of adventure.


	16. The Con

**Tegan**

I lace my fingers between Sara's, our bodies still joined by golden chains. I lean my face against her hue, still drowned in blush from her afterglow. Silences penetrates the room, I'm left in a beautiful suspension. My mind wonders from thought to thought, the still night has left me to my own devices. I wonder why my life with Christina could never had matured into this, this.. _perfection_? I _had_ loved her after all. At least...I had lead myself to believe I had. I remember I had met her at a party when I was 16, she walked in with a belt for a skirt, and a bra. She had the 'slut' reputation. I was told her sexuality was as concrete as gelatin. But when I seen her, all the things I had heard had gone out the window.

At the time I had just ended my two year relationship with Sara, and started one with Lucas, who was Lilia at that time. I was sitting on his lap on a couch at the back of the basement. It was the first time I'd really be drunk before. I mean, Sara and I had been to raves, and we had tried ecstasy and acid, I wouldn't deny that, but I had never been much into the drinking scene. I had a bitter headache, so I wondered into the bathroom upstairs to find some Tylenol, oblivious to the fact that would probably kill me if I took too many in my drunken spur. I remember her hands on my hips, before being pushed onto the counter and my oversized jeans being torn from my waist.

It was from then I knew we'd have something, and we did, for the next six years. I remember she got pregnant on her 17th birthday. I had thrown her a huge party at an old wear house in the outer limits of Calgary, hundreds of people, most of whom we didn't even know, showed up. She was good most of the night, we danced and held each other, and acted as a normal couple should. Then, about Midnight, she wondered off, I'd lost my baby to the crowd. I spent the night looking for her, hell, I spent the next month looking for her. I was sure she had been kidnapped and killed, every time the phone would ring, I was scared it would be the police, or even her mother telling me she had been found, and that she was gone forever.

It surprised me when I got a call on the 25th of June from her, telling me of her adventure to Toronto with a guy she had met at the party. She also wanted to inform me of the baby she carried. She could never figure out why my response was nothing more than "How fucking lovely." and not the "Oh my god, Christina, I'm so excited for you. I so happy your life is so fucking grand that you can run away from your girlfriend of more than a year with some drug fuck you met at the party said girlfriend had spent a years worth or work money to throw for you, and that your pregnant with drug fucks kid that you could never support, let alone mother."

I cried to Sara that night, she held me in her arms and sang me to sleep. She told me she loved me, and that she could make it all better again. I didn't believe her, I thought it was just another ruse from her to break up Christina and I. Everyone had tried by this point. I didn't know she'd meant it, maybe if I had, we wouldn't be here right now. It took a week, before Christina had convinced me to come back. Six days I had myself full convinced I was better. Apparently the brain lies well under stress.

The next nine months had gone smooth. Jaqk was born May 31st, 1998. Three days after Christina's 18 birthday. He was small, he looked just like her. Thin black hair, blazing green eyes. He was perfect. It was also around this time Sara had 'come out' to our parents. I remember the night Emy had asked her out, she came home with the most dreamy smile on her face. I had never seen her so happy. I was still scared to tell my family, so I hid it for the next few months.

I was starting to spend a lot of time with Christina, she proposed to me on my 20th birthday, we were married and now living in Toronto no more than three months after that.

On our wedding day, I remember mom brought a letter up to my room where I was getting ready. She said she had found it in the mail box a week or so ago. There was no sender or return address, it just simply said "Tegan." in a fancy scrawl I had never seen before. I was expecting another note telling me this was the worst decision of my life, but instead I found a poem. It was put together with various news paper clippings and letters from books. It looked more like a ransom letter than a love letter. If I had to guess, I'd say I've read over it a literal thousand times. I could recite it off the top of my head.

_"Build a wall of books between us in our bed. Repeat, repeat the words that I know we both said. Relax into the need, we get so comfortable. Remember when I was so strange and likeable? I just want back in your head. I'm unfaithful but I'll stray, when I get a little scared. I run, run, run. When I jerk away from holding hands with you, I know these habits hurt important parts of you. Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable? Nothing like this person, un-lovable. I just want back in your head"_

I broke down in tears, my heart unable to grasp that these words weren't Christina's, no matter how much I had long for them to be. I knew they weren't. It had come down to a fight with myself if they were Sara's or Lucas', to this day I didn't know.

My meds started to tell me this whole thing was a lie, our relationship was nothing more than a mockery of myself. So I stopped taking them, and let my self fall more and more infatuated with Christina.

I look over at Sara again, my heart starts to race. It flattered me that I could feel so strongly for her and know these feelings to be true with out my medication. Christina had ruined an aspect of my life. But I was starting to realize I couldn't let that get to me.

No matter how much of myself I had invested in her, and no matter how much I missed Jaqk, I'd have to look forward on the new life I was beginning with Sara. And that didn't seem to be a problem with me. I was 23, and I had experienced so much in my life already. It amazed me.

So I sit in my daze, until sleep overcomes my body. I sleep well into the next day, not awaking until almost half past two. I awake to the soft strumming of a guitar below me. My ears strain to hear the soft voice of my sister. I smile and pull back the covers, reaching to the floor to grab my underwear and shirt. What wasn't hot about waking up to your girlfriend in boys neon underwear, I mused to myself as I waltz down the spiral stair case to my lover sitting on the couch. Her eyes are closed, I quietly take a seat on the hardwood. I get a proper look at the loft now, I take in Sara's voice.

"This week or last week, I don't really care about it anymore. I write myself this la-," Her fingers slip from the steal strings. Her eyes flash open and glare at the neck. "fuck me." She looks back up and jumps, taking my prescience as a surprise. "Oh shit, Tegan. You scared me!" I smile and get off the floor, pulling my underwear down from my bum. Sara's dressed already, one of her suitcases lays open beside the couch, it's contents a mess. I kiss her on the forehead and take a seat beside her.

"So, how do you like it?" My voice echos through out the large floorspace. It was different compared to the tiny rooms of my house. She shrugs and looks out the large front window.

"Eh. It reminds me a lot of Emy and mine's place." She shrugs. I put my arm around her.

"It's not like we can't redecorate, right?" She halfhearted smiles and lays her guitar on the floor beside her.

"So, It's sunny out. I was wondering you wanted to go for a walk after dinner." I smile and silently agree.

"And, what are we to eat for dinner?" Sara looks over at the kitchen in the corner.

"Well, Lucas' friends also went grocery shopping for us. Nothing big, just basic stuff. I was thinking I could make us sandwiches, or something. " I smirk.

"Okay, how do you propose we go for a walk, when we have no idea where we'll be going?" She frowns and slaps my shoulder playfully.

"Miss. Mapquest, I found your stash. I think we'll make it just fine." I frown before leaping onto her.

"Fuck you, I'm planning ahead." She raises her eyebrow , her face is a mirror reflection of my smirk.

"No, you're being anal retentive. There's a difference, Teetee." I frown, and softly place my lips on hers. Her hands clasp onto my shirt, I brush her messy hair from her face.

"I love you ,Tegan." She whispers.

"I know you do, Sasa. It's obvious, everyone does." She raises her eyebrow again.

"Nobody loves me, but that's because you're a slut and I have standards."

"That doesn't make sense." I retort. She smirks.

"It didn't have to. It made you shut up, didn't it?" She pushes me back to my corner of the couch and starts to walk back to kitchen. I sit with a dumb founded look on my face, before calling back to her.

"I love you!" She waves and enters the room.

"Yeah, Yeah Tegan, I know."

**Lucas**

I look out the window of my office. My thoughts of work drown out by the sweet voices at the other line of the phone. "Hello Lucas, just a message. We're here. Your little surprise was a little amazing. Good night, full of viral explosions. I hope that makes your day. I'm on a payphone, cool right? Like I said, this was short. Sara." I grin and press one, letting the next message in my voice mail play.

"Hey Lucas, It's Lindsey. I know it's probably late, and your at work, but I was wondering if you wanted to go out to a movie, or something tonight? I don't know, we need to hang out, or something, call me back." I feel my heart flutter, a tingle starts in my toes. I almost spill my coffee, madly dialing her number. I tap my foot impatient at the dial tone. Earning a suspicious look from Acadia, my secretary. I blush and wave. She rolls her eyes and goes back to typing.

She was kind of a bitch, but she got the work done. My palms start to sweat when she answers.

"Hello?"

"Hey Lindsey, it's Lucas." I hear her giggle.

"Lucas! You called, what are you doing?" I twirl around in my chair, looking at the various print outs on the wall.

"Ah, nothing. Just taking a break from work. Were you still up to a movie tonight?" I bite the post of my labret nervously.

"Of coarse!" I smile excitedly, before stumbling over my words to ask her what she wanted to see.

I spend the rest of the day doodling on a few blank pieces of paper sitting on my desk. The outside world and my work could wait until tomorrow. I was in my own world for the moment, and I didn't much feel like leaving it.


	17. Knife Going In

**Lucas**

I stare at the street below my window, my eye pacing back and forth, desperately searching for her face. I feel so pathetic and irrational, it's only ten past eight and I'm ready to give up hope she was coming. Tegan had created an intense fear of rejection inside of me, I couldn't even begin to explain the insecurity she left me riddled with. What was I doing wrong? Surely I had devoted myself to Lindsey enough these past two and a half months to make her feel _some_ sort of feeling towards me, I didn't care what it was, it just had to be something. I leave my bedroom window, undoing the first three buttons of my flannel shirt. This fear builds inside me, that I'm going to get too attached to Lindsey, before we can even classify ourselves in any kind of relationship. I don't want to be used again, but this voice inside me tells me that's all my worth.

The doorbell rings, drawing me from my thoughts. I rush down the stairs and to the front door, greeted by a rosey cheeked red-head. Her face is spread in an apologetic smile. "Lucas, hi! I'm sorry, my bus broke down, I had to run here from Queen." I feel foolish at my incoherent thoughts from moments ago. I blush and open the door.

"Awe, you poor girl. Here, come in." She enters and kicks off her shoes, unbuttoning her little black coat and leaving it on a hook. I smile and place my hand on her upper back, leading her down the hall. She looks up at me with an awkward smile, I swiftly move my hand back to my side. "So, did you decide on a movie to see?" She shrugs, her red locks falling over her shoulder.

"Well, I did look. But, I didn't see anything. I was wondering if we could just stay here and I don't know, chill?" She shrugs and sits on the leather couch. Neko looks up at Lindsey from her resting spot on the chair, her tail wags at the new smell.

"I don't think that would be a problem," I laugh nervously, _keep it together,_ "what did you have in mind?" She smiles.

"I don't know about you, but I sure do love chick flick night on W." I sigh and look at the floor, my lips twisting.

"Well, actually Lindsey, I've been meaning to talk to you about that..." I say, sitting on the other end of the couch.

"What do you mean?" Her brow furrows, she curls up tighter against the side rest.

"Lindsey, My name is Lucas. It used to be Lilia."

"What? Okay..?" I shake my head, my hands finish undoing the dress shirt I was wearing. I move it from my sides, her eyes widen, but her posture still lets me know she's confused.

"I'm not _Lilia_ anymore, well I mean, Pyshically I still am, but it's..blah. What I'm trying to say, is, I'm not 'female' anymore, Lindsey, I'm 'male'. I always have been, at heart." She tilts her head, her lips let out a sigh.

"No, what about at the bar? I wasn't _that_ drunk to mistake you for a girl." I place my hand over hers.

"Look. I'm not trying to get you into liking me. I just want you to know that I like you, and I don't want you to be upset," She opens her fingers and laces them around mine. Her eyes stay dead set on mine, a subconscious move on her part. "But that was Tegan you met. The one who got into a fight with you, that wasn't my ex-girlfriend, that was Sara. The only reason I was the one to call you, is because Sara didn't trust Tegan with the number. I, if you knew the story, you would have done the same."

I can see the lump form in her throat. Her face switches between a scowl, and a look of utter confusion a few times before it leans over and rests on her shoulder. "...Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I sigh and shrug.

"Because, I thought you knew. And when I realized you didn't, I was scared you wouldn't except what I was." Lindsey smiles and pats my head.

"Of coarse I would have excepted you. I excepted Tegan and Sara, didn't I? And they flat out lied to me." I'm taken back in shock.

"..What do you mean?" She smirks and taps my shoulder playfully.

"Only an idiot wouldn't be able to tell that they're twins. I know they're not from California, and I know they're together, even as kin. Though I am surprised that Sara gave me a black eye, and could look at me with out some sense of satisfaction." She shrugs, I nod my head and lean against the back on the couch.

"Why didn't you say anything?" She smiles.

"It was funny. They seemed nice, I didn't want to be a kill joy." I smile, taking in Lindsey's soft face. Silence eventually takes hold of the room, it's tension cutting at my lungs. Lindsey lays her head on my shoulder, resting her legs over the side rest.

"So what do you say about those chick flicks?" I smirk and hand her the remote.

"Couldn't have thought of something better to do myself."

**Sara**

Tegan laces her fingers in mine, and slowly pulls me to her body from the pay phone. Her bottom lip hangs slightly open, a dull fog rises from the warmth. "Viral explosions? You're just [i]too[/i] adorable." She giggles, resting her forehead against mine. I'm sure if Tegan had been a little bolder, she would have kissed me, right there. Her body radiates it's warmth on me, I frown when she pulls away and begins to drag me down the busy street.

"Teetee, where are we going?" I ask, trying to keep our gloved fingers together, as we push through a crowd.

"You'll see." She chirps, her eyes sparkle under the sunlight. We walk through the winding streets, Teetee's eyes focused on a Map Quest print out. We stop at a park, it's perimeter lined with slumbering bushes dressed in frost. Her lips curve into a childish grin. "Surprise!"I smile and look at the large play structure, a bright red slide reflects in my eye, causing me to squint. Few kids play scattered across the area, it takes one call from suspicious parents to have them crowed in a large group next to the opening sidewalk. Tegan slips her hand into my pocket, her head rests softly on my shoulder. She gazes at me with defiance.

"Well Sara, I am _very_ happy with our queer-o-sexual, incestuous, child loving relationship. What about you, second wife?"I glare at my sister, as do the gaggle of mothers.

"Tegan, you're so cruel." She shrugs and kisses my cheek.

"I only told _one, little_ lie." She smirks and walks me over to the swings, sitting down with a gasp. "Holy fuck, that's cold." I grin and lean up against the blue and red pole. I close my eyes and allow my brain to project memories of Tegan and I as children. I can't help the foolish grin on my lips as I watch myself push Tegan, whose no more than 15, higher and higher into the sky. Her legs buckle and straighten over and over again, her long hair blows in the summer breeze.

I wish I could relive those days over again. They seemed so far from the anguish I had ahead. There wasn't Emy, Lucas was Lilia and even then he had hardly been around, Christina was a name we had only hear from various rumors, and Tegan was the only thing that mattered to requested to be in separate classes, only because the urge to hold my older twins hand would drive me mad when I sat beside her. I see times when we'd sneak out of the movie theater on dates with our boyfriends, to share kisses behind locked bathroom doors. I remember our back yard, littered with flowers and a stone path leading to a tiny wood table. At midnight, when our parents would be away, she would wake me up and bring me outside, being sure to pick me the perkiest, prettiest flower she could find. She'd bring me to the table, her guitar clenched tightly in her hand and sing to me.

She wasn't much for covers, and she wasn't much for writing multiple songs for one person, so she'd sing me the same song, every time this would happen. The words were simple, the melody short. Yet, tears would still sting at my eyes every time she opened her mouth. I clench the side of my thigh through the pocket, feeling the scarred words flow in to life in my head. "I've got you, and you've go-"

"Sara, get on here and help me get this fucker going!" Tegan whines, her feet jerking awkwardly forwards and backwards, trying to move the swing. I blush softly and lean my head on my shoulder.

"You're crazy if you think I'm getting on there with you." I whisper. She mocks a frown, her lips fighting to smile.

"But, but! Please?" I shake my head. She smirks. "Fine then, have it your way." She muses, extending her body to mine. Her arms slip around my thighs, hoisting me in to the air, she stumbles back quickly to the swing, both our bodies now positioned butterfly style on the rubber surface.

"I win. Now, help me?" Her face is covered in total innocence, there's a brief silence before our giggles cut through the air. I sigh and wrap my hands around the chains, right below her's. My legs kick out, they're followed suit by Tegan's reaction. Soon we're in the sky, the winter breeze blowing harshly at our bare cheeks. I lean my forehead against Tegan's, her warm giggles sends hot air down my neck. Her childish laugh is cut short, when we reach the highest point we could get ourselves by the soft touch my lips.

Our legs fall stiff, my hands hold on tightly to Tegan's coat. The momentum slows down, as our kiss speeds up. Her arms lace around my back, her tongue inches it's way beyond my lips. I jump at the sensation sliding down my spine as her tongue grazes the top of mine. She laughs lightly in triumph, her teeth come to a soft close on my bottom lip, the pressure spreads through my body. "Mmmph!" I hiss, not wanting to cause temptation that wasn't meant for public. Tegan smirks, the way her hands grip at my coat, I can tell she's well into them. Her hazel eyes trail off to a small brown building. It's door marked with "CHANGE ROOMS", behind it lays an empty pool.

I glare at my sister, my lips in a predominant pout. "Don't you even think about it." She smirks.

"Oh come on, you can tie me up and beat me with whips, but I can't make love to you in a locked change room." I nod my head and smile.

"I'm glad you understand! And Tegan, love? I'm sure 'making love' in a locked change room, that's illegal to break into, might I add, is just shameless fucking." I snatch the smirk from my sisters lips, leaving her pretty eyes scattered in a scowl.

"But, but, but!" I shake my head, letting my lover's body shrug underneath me. Her lips curl into a frown. "Fine. But when we get home. Your ass is mine." I look in terror at my sister, my hands slide around my bum.

"Not like that, Jesus Christ, you know what I mean." I slide my legs from her body, and fall to ground. I collect myself and plant a tiny kiss on Tegan's nose.

"It's okay, I know you'd like to bum fuck me. But, you're going to have wait a long time for that." I smirk, before dashing from the swings.

"WHAT, NO!" Tegan exclaims, giving chase not far behind me. We run in circles along the play structure, my shoes filling with the tiny rocks meant to save children from falls. My heart races, I find it impossible to rip the smile from my lips.

"Face it Tegan, You'll never catch me!" I ruse, climbing the rope to the slide. She grins, and dashes behind the corner. My eyes keep up with Tegan's dashing body before she disappears below the wood paneling. I smirk and rush to the side, the little voice in the back of my head telling me I was too old for this, I block it out and push myself down it's spiraling body. Tegan's stands at the bottom, her face sits triumphantly high. Her hands grab my body and she lifts me into her arms quickly.

"I gotcha!" I wrap my arms around her waist and rest my head on her shoulder.

"You always have."


	18. Are You 10 Years Ago?

**Tegan**

We pull each other around the cascading Vancouver streets, around every corner the city seemed to captivate us in some new way. Downtown shone down like and angle hailing over the messiah, the ocean seemed to lurk around every corner; endlessly reacting every intricate detail of the looming skyscrapers. There seems to be a hanging comfort in the shadow the mountain casts down up on the trembling city. I watch the salty breeze blow Sara's hair around her face, the way her hazel eyes try with desperation to focus on one of the lights bewildering her. I lace my fingers in the spaces between hers, pulling her wayward body closer. "How did we get here? It's beautiful, the ocean lives at our beck and call." I blush, a warm sensation creeping into my stomach. I lead Sara into a small cafe, such an odd sight to be open half past one in the morning. We order two hot chocolates before returning home, I smile the coolness of the concrete structure posses. We creep up the stairs, giggle filling the air as our game of silence becomes too much.

Sara slinks inside, kicking off her shoes and leaving her coat in a pile by the door. "I think I'm ready for bed now, Teetee." She jokes, covering her mouth to yawn. She pushes her hand through her mismatched locks and takes a run for the couch, sinking deep into it's confines.

"Do you not want dinner?" I call, picking up her belongings. She buries her head under the white throw pillow, motioning her hands in a thumb down. I smile to myself and hang up my own coat before running up the stairs to get Sara a blanket from the bed. The air seemed still, time had become nonexistent. I walk to the railing and peer over, my heart warming at the picture before me. Pale moonlight shines in the double storey windows, painting Sara with a thousand new hues. It hadn't until this point occurred to me just _how_ lucky I was.I'd been given up by someone who was in love with me, to see that someone else was happy, he bought us a house and moved us to Neverland to be sure our fairy tale was played out right, he showed me, just how beautiful things can be in the most negative of times, and most of all he showed me that what I really needed, was there the whole time. It also occurs to me how sick of prose this also seemed to be, and that any time this "picture perfect" could crumble.

I sigh to myself before pulling the giant comforter and pillows from the black bed frame, I sling them over my shoulders and hang on tightly to the railing as I pull them down the twisting stair case. I blow stray hairs from my face, and take my bundle to Sara's resting body. I carefully lift her head from under it's hiding place, and slip a pillow underneath. She watches me with a soft smile as I tuck her in, whispering softly that she loved me. I place a soft kiss on her dry lips, before going to the kitchen to make myself some dinner.

I open the freezer, and grab one of the three micro-wave meals sitting inside. I hated the way they tasted, if I wanted plastic I would have munched on the cup sitting on the counter, but, I'd feel guilty cooking for myself and not for Sara, so I shove the food into my mouth and force it down with Vanilla Coke. When I'm done I put the dishes in the sink, and return to the living area to curl up on the couch beside Sara. Her tiny body lay pressed against the back, her eyes flutter open and she looks at me with a dazed smile. "Good night my Tegan." She whispers, pulling my body closer, our beings overlapping from the lack of space.

"Good night my Sara."

**Sara**

I press my face close to Tegan's breast, surrounding my self in the low vibratro of her humming. Her lips produce a a soft mumble, it takes me a moment to realize it was her current favorite song."I came up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry. You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart." I close my eyes, mentally painting my sub consicence with the memories of today. I feel exhausted, my mind working on little power I had received from the coco. Last night my sleep was minimal, thoughts of the nightmare from the plane clouded my thoughts. It built this sudden, and unexplainable fear inside me, it felt as if I let Tegan go, for even a minute, she'd be gone forever. Taken away by a chariot heading far above the star-laced sky.

She had fallen asleep far before me, I spent the dark hours clutched onto her bare body. Each grunt, toss or turn I feared would be her last. It puzzles me why inner thoughts, and struggles occur at night, as if the shadow possessed power of the human mind. Most days are laden with happiness, my day was glorious, my thoughts _nothing_ but the purest of bliss, but the moment the sun goes down, it leaves my mind as dark and confused as it leaves Earth's facade.

Tegan's voice carries through shaky "Oh's", her dry throat stumbling through the hook. I pull the blanket over my head, counting imaginary flowers in my in a game of cat and dog with mind. I needed to find a way to lure myself into sleep, to force myself into a land of dreams. I'm not surprised when it doesn't happen, and I watch as the night slowly fades into day. Every second feels amplified, morphing into an hour of it's own, I was sure by the time even a hint of the sun's pressence greated the morning, I'd be well over 40.

With an angered grunt I softly slide off the couch when there's enough to sun to see without turning a lamp on. I imagine it's only around 8, so I boil some water and make the tasteless instant coffee Lucas' friends had left for us. I pull the news paper from outside the door, and begin to flip through. Everything felt displaced, I read over pages and pages of peoples and places that i've never heard before. It's not long before I get frustrated and skip to the jobs section, deciding this was something that one of us needed to do, and one of us needed to do it soon. I look around, qualifying for two of at least one hundred jobs listed. I had graduate high school with 34 credits and all advanced coarse, and still with out a college degree in anything I was left rendered with jobs best suited for 13 year old girls, and divorced middle aged women.

These included a librarian, and a till worker at a fast food restaurant. I sigh and quickly scribble down the number of the library before tossing the paper aside, I finish my coffee and leave the cup in the sink before returning to the living space to search through a suitcase for clothes for the day. I run my hand through my hair, deciding a shower was probably in order. I give Tegan a kiss on the forehead, before entering the once used bathroom. It freaked me out how new everything was in here. The shampoo bottles were full, a closed packet of soap sat on the shiny porcelain tub. White towels hung from golden racks, their terrycloth material unstained with human touched.

I missed the feel of Tegan's bathroom, where everything was a scattered mess, and you had to search through the shampoo bottles to find one with enough to do your hair. Hell, I even missed the bathroom of the loft Emy and I had shared, but I digress. I flip on the shower, and undress, the cool morning air kisses my body. I look in the mirror at my pale reflection, dark rings hang under my eyes, my shoulders shrug and I feel like I'm 100 times heavier. "Bleh." I step into the shower, jumping at the burning sensation in my lower back. I quickly press myself against the wall and crank the cold water. It's at this point a sudden burst of hypothermia inducing water splashes across my breasts, thus sealing this day had already gone to hell. I struggle with the taps for a few moments before finding a suitable temperature, and continuing along with my shower.

I can hear the scars on my legs again, singing Tegan's sweet voice and I begin to wonder why I didn't wake her and ask her to join me. I finish quickly and dress into the clothes I had brought with me. I'm un-sure of what my plans consisted of for the day, so I let my hair hang in loose wet curls. I gather my old clothes and throw them in a pile beside the washing machines. I decide now would be the best time to call about the Librarian position, and discuss it with Tegan after the fact, she seemed much more accepting of things that way. I trudge to kitchen to grab number, I'm slightly disgruntled at how boring life had seemed to be this early in the morning.

I slip on the second step on the stairs, wishing I had been blessed with sleep as my darling on the couch had. I grab the phone and fall on the bed, twisting a piece of hair between my index and middle finger while I listen to the dial tone. I shrug and leave a message with my name, and the number written on a piece of paper beside the phone that I assume is ours and what my business of calling is for I sigh and decide to do something productive with rest of the morning. I write a small letter on a Post-it note, explaining to Tegan my absence, I then take my jacket and a set of directions and stroll off into the crisp morning air.


	19. Back In Your Head

**Tegan**

I wake up in a daze, my tired body searches for the tight pressed warmth Sara had radiate last night. A subconscious disappointment swallows me when I fail to find her beyond the reach of my finger tips. I roll over on my back, my tired voice barely cracking out her name. I strain my ears and listen for her response, even the tiniest sound of her presence but all that greets me is the still morning silence. I rub my eyes and groan as I lift myself off the cough. "Sara Bear?" I call once again, making my way to the top of the loft, half expecting to find her there. I mumble and begin to worry myself when I find the entire place clean of my twin.

My mind wants to rationalize where she is, to come up with a _clear_ and _logical_ reason to why she's out, and where her location might be. Sara couldn't possibly have left me, her stuff is all still here, her wallet lays face open on the counter. But my sickness starts to lie to myself, telling me I fucked this one up. She was gone forever, just as Christina and Lucas were. I pace back and forth, a primitive way to cure the infestation of paranoia rising. Silly crocodile tears fall down my face, I watch the door intently.

I find this insanity too much, and find myself on the phone with Lucas asking me in a sleepy daze what I was going on about. "Tegan, calm the _fuck_ down. You wake up and find her gone, maybe she's on a walk? Or maybe there's a nice park bench outside, that she's taken a liking to. I'm doubting she's gone." He groans, his voice filled with thick annoyance.

"She is, she's gone. She left me Lucas, I fucked it up, she's gone. She's probably back at 2nd street drinking coffee with Em-" The loud wheeze of the heavy doors open, Sara's body races across the floor to the bathroom, her voice beckoning me. I laugh nervously. "Uh, never mind.. Sorry." I hang up the phone quickly, dashing down the stairs to be greeted by the closed bathroom door. I whimper her name, my body still shaking from the thoughts that I may have had lost her.

I try to rub the red from my eyes, and compose myself as she rips open the bathroom door. "Fuck me." She yells, her brows set in a deep frown.

"Sara, love, are you okay?" She lifts her fingers tips to point at the large red stain, dripping down the thighs of her bluejeans. I smile through what's left of my tears at her panicked face.

"The _only_ thing they don't buy, and of coarse, my body just _had_ to start that shit before we get a chance to go proper grocery shopping. You know what? Fuck Vancouver." I tilt my head and out stretch my arms, holding her tiny body in my arms.

"Oh Sara, let's get you cleaned up, and then I'll go to the store for you. Okay?" She huffs and rests her neck in the crook of my shoulder.

"What would I do with out you Teegles?" She smiles, "Bring me back some chocolate, too. Yeah?" I grin and kiss her on the forehead before going to the counter to take a few bills from her wallet, I slip into an old, ragged sweater and pull directions from the fridge. The air was cool today, the sky was littered by dark gray clouds. In the distance the ever present smell of rain filled my senses. I pull my hood up and become glad the store was only a block from our apartment. I step in a large puddle before entering the store, causing my voice to utter curses.

I did truly hate shopping of this kind, and in the 11 or so years I've had mine, have always had someone buy these things for me. I felt awkward, like it was a broadcast, a type side-show of what was happening in my body. I chose the checkout stand with the least amount of people, sinking my purchase behind my arm.

A middle aged blond woman looks at me, her lips curl into a smile. "Awe, that's cute. You don't find many boys willing to buy those for their girlfriends." I don't know whether to laugh and play this act out, or apologize that my gender wasn't apparent through my baggy coat. But the moment the lady starts talking to me about her period problems and her uterus cleanings, I realize, male looking, or female looking, this was _really_ fucking awkward.

I begin to stamp my feet impatiently, trying my best to ignore the woman's words but still act like she had my attention. I grab some candy from the Junk-food Island beside the counter, and make sure I'm out of the store the moment I hand the money to cashier. I try to rush home, my stomachs nagged with a tightness. I silently curse the sympathy pains I had for Sara. I trudge up the stairs of the loft and kick my shoes off at the door, throwing the sweater in a pile. I take the bag to the bathroom and sit on the edge of the tub, Sara's face sticks out of a mass of bubbles, her chest rises and falls slowly, her brows set with a soft expression. She was sleeping.

I place her goods on the counter, and remove my clothes, silently getting into the bath beside her. The warm water turns my skin numb, I cuddle close to my lover. "Mmm, Tegan?" She mumbles, rubbing her eyes.

"Hey there sleepy head." She rests her head on my shoulder, her eyes waging war with her body to stay awake.

"I don't think you want to be in here with me." She smirks, her voice cracking. She looks like she hasn't slept in days. I shrug and share the same look with her.

"I think I've done worse with you, then lay in a bloody bath." She giggles and curls closer to me, her head now rests on the top of my breasts. Her hand wraps around my hips and laces it's self between my fingers. I smile and place a light kiss on her forehead.

**Sara**

I sit on top of the freshly made bed, around me various papers lay scattered. My torn notebook lays open in front of me, I struggle to write in the tiny spaces that are left. I listen to Tegan's voice downstairs, she's singing an old Smashing Pumpkins song to herself. My heart flutters, leaving my face riddled with a cheesy smile. I begin to write down the words and feelings in my head, lining the cluttered pages with poetry. Writing was therapeutic to me, paper in it's un-personified formed had now boundaries to judge. It couldn't point out the insanity of my words, or tell me my intense jealousy towards other people and Tegan was wrong. I chew on the back of my pen, now pretty sure Tegan was giving herself a private concert downstairs. I creep off the bed and tip tow to the railing of the loft. I peak over and watch my sister dance around the tiny stereo, the music _barely_ making a hum from the speakers.

She throws her head about, her hips moving in tune to the drum beat. She knew every word, and I wonder how many times she's heard these songs. "How come I wasn't invited to your party?" I call. Instantly her body freezes, her face turning red in various blotches. She lets her lips curl into an awkward smile, before turning the music off with a swift movement.

"I uh, I thought you were sleeping.." I smirk and let my arms pull up in a shrug.

"Watching you was much better than sleeping." I muse, motioning for her to come to me. She obeys, waltzing up the stairs and lifting me off my feet. I wrap my legs around her waist. She carries me to the bed, she smiles and kisses the space around my hairline on my neck.

"What time do you have to work at?" She mumbles, wrapping her grip tighter around me.

"4:30." She groans and rolls beside me, the papers crinkle under the weight of her body. She looks at the open notebook and half smiles.

"Do you _have_ to go? It's two days before Christmas, why can't you just stay home on break?" I roll my eyes and smirk at my twin, her face wears distress. It was my second week working, but I know the stress of being alone all day was getting to her. I brush the hair from her eyes and lace it behind her ears, catching the four earrings hanging from her lower lobe causing them to jingle.

"It's only until six. You know it's my last day, then a whole week off." I smile, looking at the silver rack filled with stacks of our clothes. I mentally plan what I'm to wear. Tegan groans and eventually gives in , she picks up my hand and examines the gold ring she had given me.

"I want to take you out to dinner when I get back." I smile, she raises her eyebrows and continues to look at the ring.

"Oh Sara, don't be silly. I'll make us something for when you get back. I frown and shake my head.

"No, I'm taking you out to dinner. If you're not ready by the time I get back, I'm taking you in your Pj's." Tegan sighs and gives me the 'Fuck You' look, something she had perfected in the past two months. I smirk and stand up, my head held high with my triumph. "Good, I'm going to shower and get ready now." She whines and gets off the bed, allowing me to clean up the mess of paper scraps.

It's around 5:30 when it starts to become apparent in my stomach that I haven't eaten all day. I could almost taste the meal I planned to order tonight already. Few people sat scattered at tables around the library, none pay interest to their books, they all hold quiet conversations with each other. I sigh and doodle Tegan's name on a Post-it, imagining I'm anywhere but here. I hadn't had a job since I was 17, Emy was successful at her job, and often brought in more money _a day_ than I would make in a week. I never felt the need to work, especially after our Civil Union. I start to wonder if we're divorced yet, or if my letter still sits on a Toronto lawyers desk, him sucking me out of money I probably didn't have. Maybe I'd call her on Christmas, to ask her how things are and to wish her all the happiness she deserved.

A week ago she sent us a present in the mail, it sits under the Christmas tree Tegan had drawn on the back of flier and posted on the wall. Even after what I did, she was much too kind for what _I _deserved. From this I begin to wonder if Christina will sign on her divorce papers, surely the least she could do. She had left Tegan five months ago, for reasons Tegan wouldn't like to admit, even to me. She took everything of her's, she even took Tegan's own son. Yet, she still thinks her game of cat and mouse is being played, refusing to sign the papers, telling her lawyers that this separation was a minor bump in their relationship.

I'm ripped out of my thoughts by a soft voice. "Hello Miss, I was wondering if you have a book with the title 'It's Six O'clock and You're Supposed To Be Off Work'?" I look up from the desk and quickly swat my doodles to the ground. Tegan looks at me with a breath taking smile, her bright brown eyes are clouded under a soft brush of light eyeshadow. Her hair is kept in pin-up locks. She tilts her head and looks up at the few stray bangs on her forehead. "Do you like it?" She muses, adjusting her black sweater. I stand up and smile, racing around the desk to get a full body view of her. I feel my face go warm, I'm sure I was bright pink.

"Tegan, you look _gorgeous]_." I mutter, she smiles and looks around the empty building. I had escaped reality long enough to not notice everyone had obeyed closing time for once. I guess people actually had better things to do then sit in a _library_ until 9 o'clock when I by law had to kick them out for keeping me working over-time for so long. Tegan takes this opportunity to give me a quick kiss, the coldness on her fingers creeps through my shirt and onto my skin, I smile and kiss her softly before doing a quick run to make sure everything was as it should be for the week long holiday. I grab my bag from the backroom and meet Tegan back at the front doors, she reaches her hand out, I take it willingly.

"So, where did you have in mind to go?" She asks, letting go of my hand and slips it into my back pocket, I rest my head on her shoulder.

"Alice told me there's this lovely restaurant over the Cambie Street Bridge." Tegan groans.

"Oh that's so far. Can't we go to McDonald's, or something? I'm not _that _important we have to walk half way around the world for dinner." I smile and pull her next to a poll. A picture of a buss sits in rusted paint, a few tid bits of information are faded below it.

"Ergo, it's called a bus. And yes, you are_ that]_ important. So stop your bitching before we fly to New York for Christmas dinner." I smirk at her scowl. It's only now I noticed the light foundation and blush she was wearing. "Oh cheer up, you think you'd be happy I was taking you out." She shrugs and leans her body against the pole, pulling me into her arms.

"I don't want you spending your money on me. You already pay for rent." I smile and shake my head.

"Tegan, you're my fiance," I whisper the word, it still felt so forbidden, "it's _our_ money. Just because _I_ work for it, doesn't mean it's not yours." She blushes and smiles a little. Her lips slowly touch mine, I didn't really need Christmas to come in two days, because I felt like everyday with Tegan was a present.

**Lucas**

I wake up to sleepy 'Good Morning', Lindsey sits at the end of my bed, her body dressed in pajamas_ much]_ too big for her, her face is lit up in a smile under the rising sun. She brushes her long bangs away from her face. "It's Christmas Lucas, c'mon, I got you something!" I yawn and throw the covers back, I stretch out in the bed, cursing myself for not setting the clocks a few hours behind so I could catch my needed sleep. I sit up in bed, trying to stand with half my body still asleep.

"Mmeeehhh. It's too early Linds." I groan, leaning on her shoulder as we walk down the stairs to the tree.

"It's 9. C'mon, you're going to like it, I promise." She says, her face set in a matter-of-fact stare. I sigh and rub the sleep from my eyes, sitting beside the heater downstairs. Lindsey smiles at the few presents under the tree. She walks over to the largest one, it's covered in a metallic red paper. I smile when she hands it too me.

"Oh Lindsey, you really didn't have to." She smirks.

"You're right, I didn't. But I wanted to." She crosses her legs and sits beside me, I look at her with a childish smile for a few minutes.

"Well, c'mon, open it!" She smirks, Instantly I rip the paper off the box, my hands scratching at the packing tape keeping it closed under the red casing. I find the inside is white, various pictures, drawings and magazine cutouts of Los Angeles are tapped to it's edges. At the bottom lays a West Jet aeroplane ticket, the Upper-Right-Hand corner reading the cities name in a fancy scrawl. I look at Lindsey in disbelief.

"Well, I do have to go back soon, and you're the best Graphic Artist I know. So, I was wondering if you'd like to maybe come back with me, and be my partner in a Photography business. Say, I take the pictures, and you make them pretty? I don't know, if you don't want to leave, I _totally]_ understand. I was just thinking.." She says quietly from the corner. I pick up the ticket and exam it quickly, my mind wonders if I could just pick up everything and leave. The 2000 or more miles between Tegan and I were enough, could I really stand any more?

I'd be the first to admit I was struggling with getting over her, every few nights I'd find myself being coxed to sleep by the sound of my own tears. My thoughts lost in a world of 'Ifs', 'Could have been' and 'Might have been'. I picture weddings with her as my bride, and old farm houses with kids of our own. Maybe this was it, this city was what was holding me back from forgetting the feelings for her I have. I needed a place to focus on Lindsey, because I was sure I had the feelings there for her. It was all a matter of making her feel the same feelings for me. So, hastily, and very much un-sure, I agree to be her partner in business, and return to L.A with her.

I couldn't explain the smile on her face when she hugged me. I had only seen it once before, the same look Tegan had once given Christina on the bridge where this all began. A careless devotion, I suppose. Feelings given that were unrequested. This assures me a little more this was a wise choice, and nothing _too_ bad could come from it.


	20. Hop A Plane

_Sara_

I awake with a low groan,startled by December thunder. Such an oddity, although some could argue one of the only things erring on normal in my life. Tiny pellets of rain hit the windows with echoing cackles, an almost peace twist from the normal Christmas' filled with intense blizzards and below freezing temperatures. I sit in silence for a moment, reminding myself this wasn't a dream. I roll over and wrap my arm around Tegan's waist, whispering her name softly above her ear. She's reluctant at first, lost in her dreams. It takes a few more tries, and a slip of the tongue to remind her that it's Christmas morning. A smirk creeps over her lips, her eyelids bat open, and she's out of bed faster than I could have hoped.

"Tegan, you're 23 years old, Calm down for Christs sakes." I joke, pulling the blanket down from around me and getting out of the warm Queen sized bed. She moves her feet anxiously, telling me repeatedly she had to come see what she's gotten me. I've never seen such impatient anxiety from her. I smile and latch on to her hand when we reach the bottom of the spiral staircase, both of us taking a moment to study the storm outside the front window. It was a beautiful moment in a way, both of us captivated by something strange. Something out of the normal, that for once, wasn't us.

"Betcha won't see that again, ever." She jokes, pulling me softly towards her mock Christmas tree. I smile and sit on the cool hardwood as she reaches behind a few presents to pull out a thin box. I couldn't for the life of me, imagine what it was. She hands it to me and smiles.

"You really shouldn't have bought me anything." I muse, unwrapping the silver paper. Tegan slips on the hardwood and falls with a thump beside me, she scowls at the pain in her ass.

"Jesus Tegan; if you don't calm down I'm not going to open it." I say with a smirk, she glares at me and sticks her tongue out, muttering something about my mother like behaviour. I laugh to myself and pull the lid off the tiny box. Inside sits a small locket, it's gold curvature forms a heart, six diamonds twirl into an 'S'. I look at Tegan with cheeks im sure burned with blush.

"Well, go on, open it!" She smiles, moving her body close to mine. Her smile is unexplainable, it's utter happiness. It's not Tegan's typical happiness, her smile with see through eyes. It's something different, as if she was truly experiencing her own emotion. Tegan had created her own joy, along with mine. I rest my head on her shoulder and pull the necklace out of it's casing. I hold the locket into palm of my hand, Tegan reaches her arm around my body and opens it. I feel a lump begin in the bottom of my throat, it travels upwards and leaves my lips with a soundless whimper. My lip begins to quiver, I feel immobilized. Tegan laughs softly, "Do you remember that night?" she whispers, inquiring my memories of the images in the heart's half.

I nod, letting a few tears slip from my eyes. "Our first date." I bring the pictures closer to my face, grinning sideways at the awkward expressions on our faces. I remember we had told mom we were going to a movie together, she thought we were joking. She couldn't fathom that we actually wanted to spend time together. I suppose our act was flawless back then. Tegan had saved up for months, insisting that she would pay for me. I remember she had wanted to see Natural Born Killers incredibly bad, unfortunately we were only 15 and got stuck watching The Lion King. It wasn't all bad, all in all, I can even remember her hiding her teary face in her jacket when Mufasta died. She would always deny it, but the picture always spoke the truth.

Lucas had decided to sneak along in this occasion, taking pictures of us with out my knowing. Apparently the money had gone to pay Lucas for keeping his mouth shut and not to my enjoyment. I didn't mind though, the photo album Tegan made me of that summer was better than any movie could even be filmed. I smile at these memories, the thoughts of catching Lucas when he forgot to turn the flash off. Tegan's blushed smile when we realized she had over come to the dramatics of the movie.

I look up Tegan, now a women of 23. 14 felt like forever ago, nothing more than pictures and stories. I can still remember the feelings, but when I actually thought about it (and after the accident, trust me, I do) I realize that our modern relationship was more than that, silly teenage love. It was something I could explain, something I would die for, if I was to end up with my Tegan all over again.

An although her long hair is something of years ago, her face is much the same, still soft and youthful. I wipe the tears falling down my cheek and wrap my arms tightly around her. "Why did you leave me, Tegan? I could have been so good to you." I ask, a little irrationally perhaps.

"...I-I don't know. I got confused. I didn't want to hurt you.." I look up at her, using every emotion killing technique she had taught me.

"Tegan, I went on for five years pretending Emy was you." She chokes, I can hear the lump of words and emotions form in her throat. Her hands clench of the soft fabric of my button up pj top, guilty breaths travel down the nape of my neck. She doesn't speak, instead she fills the air with a bitter-sweet tension. One half of my heart falls back to it's normal pace, content with knowing I was here _now_, and that's all that mattered. The other side beats like a horse at the races, it's rhythm pounding craziness that I always should have been hers into my head.

I feel Tegan's tears slip onto my nose, they race down my face collect in the mess on the collar of my shirt. Her brown eyes dance around the locket clenched in my fist, I look at the awkward smile sitting on my sister's face. "If I wouldn't have given you up then, I wouldn't have gotten you back when it did eventually end."

I look up at her with a pout, not satisfied with her excuse. She lets her smile fill her face, I can't help but feel flattered in the oddest way. I hold onto her again, returning my gaze to the picture in the heart. I sigh in contentment once again, happy the two girls in the pictures were only the beginning of what we are, and not the end.

"I'll here your song, and if you want me to I'll sing along." She softly sings, breaking the silence that was collecting between us.

"Mmm?" I mumble, clasping the necklace around my neck. She takes my hands in hers and grins with her gummy smile. She rests her forehead on mine, I try my best not to close the gap between our lips. I lagugh.

"You're not seriously singing Smashing Pumpkins right now are you?" She laughs.

"and it's a chance I have to take, it's a chance I have to break...I'm in love with you." she cracks out, our hands swing slowly through the warming air, "I'm in love with you."

I look at her with a smirk, her arms wrap around my waist. I'm sure if there was a disgustingly 90's teenage love movie about two lesbian sisters, we'd be the poster children of it. Tegan smiles and sways our bodies slowly left to right, her lips curl around each word of the next verse. Her forehead rests on mine, chapped lips filling the gap between mine half way through the chorus. We sit together for a while, basking in the glow of teacher. We didn't talk, but I didn't mind the silence, the way Tegan would look at me was every word I'd ever need from her. We're both almost dozed off when I remember the carefully hidden package I had made for Tegan.

"Tegan?" I whisper, she groans and opens one of her chocolate colored eyes.

"Whhaa?" I smile and lace my hand through hers.

"I have something for you, come on."

"I said not to buy me anything Sasa." The words fall flatly from her mouth, I knew she wanted something. I smile, as she drags herself off the couch and follows me up the winding stairs.

"I didn't buy it, I made it. You told me not to _buy_ you anything, so I made you something." I say with a smirk and an unplanned giggle. She beams down at me with a sleepy grin.

"You're too cute. Alright, what is it?" I motion for her to sit on the bed, before going to a "empty" suitcase in the corner of the loft. I unzip the pale black material and pull out a years old notebook, bonded with scraps of loose paper. Along with it I pull out a scrap book I had been making since the time I was 12. I look at the various pictures laying at the bottom of the bag, hundreds of hazel eyes stare up at me, all ridden with the same face, yet all burdened with different emotions. I look at the locket hanging in the almost non-existent crevice between my breasts, and then to the diamond ring on my slender hand.

Emy had been good to me, all the luxuries I could ask for, she would make sure I'd have them. But with Tegan, it seemed like I didn't even need the luxuries constantly, because the things she'd compensate them with were [i]far[/i] better than the luxuries. I hated how much I compared the two, when they were obviously both_ very_ different people, but after so long with Emy, and so long with out Tegan, I forgot how special her gifts really were. I inhale before turning back to Tegan, holding the books close my chest. She looks up at me and smiles as I occupy the vacant space beside her. "Remember when we were 11, and mom had gotten us journals to write in every night, so we'd stop keeping everything in?" Tegan smiles and nods.

"I only wrote in mine once. I think it's still in my bottom drawer under my old clothes.." She mumbles, twisting her lips to think of it's wear-abouts. I smile and look down at the worn out cover, my hands trace over old-doodles and random Bruce Springsteen lyrics, I grin.

"Well, remember how you always wanted to look in mine?" She smirks and nods, wiping sleep from her eyes.

"And you'd never let me, even when we were together! It was so mean." She fakes a pout, I roll my eyes and hand her the journal that I had used as a song book for the past 12 years. She looks at me, cautiously.

"Now Tegan, I just have _one_ thing you need to promise me about this." She tilts her head and observes the front of the book.

"Yes?" I sigh.

"I need you to promise me, that no matter what, you won't open this book until we're not together anymore." I whisper, confidant with my words. I didn't care if Tegan read my thoughts about the intense jealousy I had over her, or even the longing I felt after she left. I know nothing lasts for ever, and one day, we wont be together anymore. I know this day wont be for many, many, _many_ years in the future, knock on wood; but I want there to be something special left for when it does happen. Something that will always make her remember what we had, and what we were. So what better than the book I tortured myself over her with?

"Oh Sara, don't be silly. You know that's never going to happe-"

"Tegan," I sternly cut her off, "Everything ends sometime. I know I shouldn't say it, but it's true. Promise me you won't read it until then?" I whisper. She pouts.

"Alright, I promise. But can't I read just _one_?" I sigh and pull out a random page sticking up from the back. "Everything" is scribbled across the top of the paper, a single verse is spread across the sheet. "Of coarse, leave it up to you to give me an unfinished one." She jokes, nudging me softly in the arm. I look up at her with a timid smile.

"Then why don't you finish it?" I joke, laughing at the pout on her face.

"You know what, just for that, I will. I'm going to do it, and you're going to be jealous." She retorts, poking me in the nose and smirking. I scoff and rest my head on her shoulder.

"Are you done now? I have something else for you." I smile and hand her the large scrap book. She takes it, her face almost immediately brightens with a childish grin. She opens up the first page, to find scribbles of our names in various pen colours, a few pictures are posted to the front page, but it's nothing compared to the rest of the book. Tegan flips through with wide eyes, her lashes brimmed with glistening tears. I smile, my head still resting on her shoulder. I'd put a lot of time into this scrap book, for years I thought it would never be put to good use. I let it sit under my bed in Mom's house for years, until Tegan brought me back there. I don't think she minded the gap in time from then until now, Tegan's eyes looked dazzled by the contents that were there.

She flips to the last page, tears softly falling to her lap. She reads the poem I'd spent years re-writing until it finally fit the depth of my feelings. She mumbles the words, her eyes not even focused on the book anymore. _"Build a wall of books between us in our bed. Repeat, repeat the words that I know we both said. Relax into the need, we get so comfortable. Remember when I was so strange and likeable? I just want back in your head I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray, when I get a little scared. I run, run, run. When I jerk away from holding hands with you, I know these habits hurt important parts of you. Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable. Nothing like this person, un-lovable. I just want back in your head."_

She looks at me with eyes I've never seen, her bottom lip quivers. Her long hands grip tightly onto the edges of the book, the heavy paper crinkles under the weight. She whimpers loudy, words forbidden by some wall in her minds eye. I wrap my arms around my lover, bracing her for the over sweep of feeling. She can barely whisper, when she finally does talk.

"Why didn't you stop me?"

"I tried... We all tried Tegan, but it doesn't matter anymore." She shakes her hea, everything mattered to her.

"How can you say that, I ruined everything we had before?" She half yells, I smile and brush the hair off of Tegan's red face.

"Because I have you _now_. And that makes _all_ the difference."

**Lucas**

I sit at the table, three piles of bills, statements from work and various utility and rent receipts from Tegan and Sara's apartment. I look over the numbers, writing them all down into a logbook. I calculate my finances, writing down figures of the amount it would cost to move my company from here to Los Angeles. The numbers looked bad, there was no way I could afford to relocate an entire company, even if all my workers paid for themselves, let alone hire Lindsey and a whole other department for photography.

Even opening another shop down in L.A and keeping this one open would cost more than I had, or was even willing to spend. It bothers me life isn't like a fiction, where everything goes on lady-da-da and everything works out for the best in the end. There was no getting Tegan back, There was no getting Lindsey, and there was no hope for moving to L.A. I sigh and run my hand through my hair, taping my fingernails against the wood table. I look around the kitchen, somewhat wishing Tegan hadn't left. I look at the clock, in 45 minutes it would be midnight, and the start of the new year. I look out side the kitchen window, smoke leads signals up into the sky as the neighbourhood celebrated the coming of 2003.

I close my eyes and listen to the cheers of the small crowds. I go up to my room and throw on a fresh pair of clothes, Neko looks up at me from her bed, letting out a small whimper. "Hey there Neko, I'd bring you, but it's a little cold for puppies out tonight," I'm not quite sure why I'm lying to my dog, "but I'll be home first thing in the morning. I promise." She puts her head back on the fabric and falls asleep again. I smile and grab a bunny hug before closing up my house. The air was warm outside, only a slight breeze tore at the tops of trees. I only feel a slightly guilt about lying to Neko. Why I had any guilt at all about lying to my _dog_ riddled me, as much as it did you.

I catch the free shuttle downtown, stopping at an apartment I'd only been to once. I smile and ring the buzzer, hoping for the right answer. I lean against the cool brick, blowing the warm air from my lungs into my hands. "Hello?" a small voice asks a few seconds later.

"Hey there Linds." I say with an awkward smile.

"Lucas, is that you? Hold on, I'll be down in a second!" I look at a few people ruining through the street, glow sticks are wrapped around their arms and neck, most likely on their way to the city center for the yearly fire works. To the right a couple walks hand in hand, a young daughter following close behind the girl. I smile at their seemingly happy family, my mind wonders what it would be like I were the father in such a perfect looking image. I'm distracted from these thoughts when Lindsey calls to me from the door. Her long curls are pinned back from her face, her eyes hidden behind a light glitter. I blush at her beauty. "Hey there. I uh, I was just, uh, you know.." She raises her eyebrow and smiles.

"Yes?"

"Uhhh, city center, there's fire works and stuff and I was just uh, wondering if you'd like to, you know, I don't kno-" Lindsey puts a slender finger to my lip, smiling behind a light lipstick.

"Yes Lucas, I'd love to celebrate News Years with you." She smiles and loops her arm around mine, waiting for me to start the lead towards the building. I try my best to keep the blush grin from taking my face, but I'm sure it had slipped once or twice from the time we left until the time we arrived. Lindsey gasps at the crowd, surprised by the large amount of people gathered in the snowy gardens. "It's sure busier than last year." She jokes, now leading me to a hot chocolate vender. She orders us two, and scoffs when I place a ten on the counter to pay.

"I wanted to buy them." She pouts, sipping on the rather cold drink. I shrug.

"You're confused, the men buy the ladies things."

"Yeah, well what if the lady insists on paying for her boy?" I smirk and turn to face her.

"Are you implying the lady would like to charm the man?" She shares my look and takes another sip of her hot chocolate before ditching it behind a bush with a disgusted look.

"Possibly."

"Then surely the lady must feel something for said boy?" I say, with a smile larger than I intend. I felt like a goof, hanging off Lindsey's words. She stops walking steps close to me. The soft scent of her perfume fills the air. She leans into my ear, standing on the tips of her toes to reach.

"I have a secret for you," She whispers, I raise my eyebrow and looks at her. She inhales deeply before leaning into my face once again, this time softly touching her lips to mine. I close my eyes, letting her mouth guide mine. She pulls back, as fire works welcoming the new year burst in the sky. "The lady might possibly have fallen for the boy."

* * *

**A/N:** Hello readers (That is if I have any left). After about three months, I'm finally back. To be truthful I've been quite busy with school amongst others things and put writting as my last priority. Since I haven't updated Downtown In the longest time, I decided that I'd come back with a re-written chapter of that! So, happy readings.


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